For Mikey’s 31st birthday I thought I would give him something other than an Armani tie. While watching The Graham Norton Show, I saw a lady who produced vagina art for a living. She literally painted the fleshy parts of her vagina and squished it onto art paper.
“That looks fun and easy,” I thought. So off I went to the art supply shop, with my friend Kate in tow. I’m not good at lying, so I made Kate tell the assistant we were painting with children and needed safe paint colours that would wash off easily. We left with our palette of water colours and waited for my husband’s next late-night business meeting.
The night arrived. I quickly called Kate and within minutes she was at my front door, paintbrush in hand. I hadn’t thought about the execution of the whole exercise, all I knew was that I had to get paint onto my vagina and get my vagina onto an A4 sheet of paper.
Things that accidentally look like vaginas:
Hmmm, slight degree of difficulty considering I wasn’t flexible enough to do the splits! Standing in the bathroom and thinking about high school art class I thought, “What would Miss Montage do?” Ah-ha. The bathtub. I’ll put the paper over the edge of the tub and squish my vagina onto it.
Kate was laughing so much she could hardly get the paint onto my vagina. After we applied several primary and a couple of secondary colours, my brightly coloured vagina was ready for action.
Being a perfectionist, I wasn’t happy and asked Kate to keep applying more paint. Sixteen beautiful vagina butterfly prints later and a husband en route from his business meeting, it was time to get rid of the evidence.
Kate packed up the paints while I washed my vagina – thoroughly! Pants back on, Kate out the door and a husband totally unaware of what just took place.
Thinking how I would explain my vagina art to the picture framing person, I decided it would be easier to frame it myself. I was so proud of my creativity and Mikey simply loved his new birthday art.
It was hung in the bedroom immediately and only viewed by extra special (and very open-minded) friends, although we did have a tiny bit of explaining to do when Mike’s dad enquired after our new piece of art!
When Kate and her husband Jon came over for birthday drinks, we were all rolling on the floor laughing at how it all came together. Months later, a consequence of the artwork would arise that didn’t have me laughing any longer.
Heading back to the doctors, having surgery for the fourth time in two weeks was painful enough, but not as painful as the lump growing in my vaginal region.
My female GP told me I had to go to the emergency department immediately. I was living in London at the time with no form of transport, so I waddled (like a duck on horseback) to the bus stop and checked myself into the local public hospital.