parents

Good news! You can now buy a 'globally unique' baby name.

What’s in a name? About $40,000, apparently.

Are you sick and tired of all these people drifting through life with “traditional” names like ‘James’ and ‘Charlotte’?

Every time you meet a ‘Ben’ or ‘Emma’, do you find yourself stifling a yawn and scrolling Instagram for something more exciting?

Are you yearning for a unique name for your child? One that isn’t just plucked out of a book or off a cemetery headstone, but DESIGNED, CREATED, SCULPTED from the very alphabet letters we know and love into something so powerful it will blow the nips off any schoolteacher that ever takes a roll call?

More monikers: 29 baby names everyone will judge you for 

Then say hello to international baby naming agency Erfolgswelle.*

*Don’t literally say hello. Saying their name is like trying to talk with 10 marshmallows crammed in your gob (we tried):

Marshmallow
Jam and Monz undertake important journalistic research.

That’s right. Some parents will go to great lengths to secure a unique baby name.

And now, for the low low price of $40,000 this new Swiss company will design one for you. They put a team of creatives on the case. They’ve got 14 naming experts, 12 translators, and four historians on hand, as well as two trademark attorneys to ensure the names don’t conflict with companies and products (we know how that ended for poor baby Nutella).

From the website:

“Your child has earned a new and independent name. For being called the same thing as countless others is not a great art…

Your child has EARNED it?

Buddy, it just sat there in the womb chewing on the umbilical cord. It’s not exactly building the iphone7.

Experts warn against swaddling babies
So tired guys. Big day of creating. BRB.
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The staff at Erfolgswelle (the name hardly inspires confidence, does it?) will spend around 100 hours per client coming up with a list of 15-25 possible names. They’re in the board room.  They’re surrounded by butchers paper. They’re ordering Chinese takeout and they’re not LEAVING until you’ve got yourself a baby name.

More Namespiration: Frozen and Game of Thrones themed baby names

Once you’ve decided on your shortlist, they’ll create a meaning and history for the name.  They’ll look at it in all different fonts.  They take the name to market and test it. They haven’t specified the testing procedure, but I imagine there’s teams of people yelling it out in supermarkets and public toilets, trying to fashion a powerful signature from it, ironing it onto the back of an Olympic sports uniform to make sure it fits, reserving twitter handles and deciding on an appropriate hashtag.

Company CEO Marc Hauser – who, if he is such a name guru probably should be named Doogie instead – says that the names must “roll off the tongue”. Did you employ the same principal for Erfroldasfjdlafhdlfswelle, Doogie? My tongue is tied up like a ham hock and I only tried to say it once.

Marc Hauser
Marc “Doogie” Hauser

“We often combine words in a new order” Hauser told Buzzfeed.

“It’s like composing music or drawing; like all creatives, we transform existing elements into new, never-heard creations. Or we find fantastic words that were never used before as pre-names.

The naming agenteur has yet to announce it’s first brand baby name. They have, however, announced that the first family to use the service and reveal the name to the press will have the $40,000 fee refunded.

We will warn you in advance so you can put a seatbelt and sunglasses on.

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