13 problems only terribly unfit people will understand.


Jacqui Porter





Everywhere you look there are pictures of thin-spiration. Instagram is full to the brim of model like figures prancing around on the beach and healthy individuals flaunting their rock hard abs. And that’s a fantastic way to be. Really.

But every now and then I start to wish there was something on the internet for people like me. People who are allergic to exercise. (I start to break out in a red rash and become very breathless if I even see a pair of runners.)

And so here is a list of unfit people problems for my fellow couch huggers.

Tell me I’m not the only one…

1. You own several pieces of Lorna Jane clothing, but they’ve never seen the inside of a gym. Those puppies are reserved for brunch only.

2. The closest thing you’ve had to a green smoothie was the mojito or six you had on Saturday night.

This counts as healthy, right? It’s GREEN.

3. You get a stitch walking to the coffee shop.

4. Burpees are what happens when you try to chase your McChicken with McNuggets too quickly.

5. You think paleo is a place people visit on the Inca Trail.

Seriously, hot chips with chicken salt is so much better. 

6. You’ve had to make up an excuse to explain the RSI you’ve developed in your elbow. Telling people it’s from lifting the spoon from the Nutella jar to your mouth is awkward.


7. Forget bikram yoga. Nothing works up a sweat faster than standing near the deep fryer in the fish and chip shop on a busy Friday night.

8. Plank? What? Oh sorry no, I thought you said Plonk as in wine.

9. If anyone you knew was to see you running, they would probably just assume you’ve stolen something and call the police.

Just pass the jar. Don’t judge, just do it. 

10. When your friends post updates about their workouts on Facebook, you feel like punching them in the face. But that would involve you getting off the couch.

11. You love crunches. Not the kind you’ll see people doing on the gym floor, the kind you find in Aisle Three at Coles.

These are the only crunches I do. 

12. One time you joined a gym. On your street. Two doors down. Then drove your car there, sat in the car park. And then turned around and went home.

13. You have a coating of Doritos dust on your hands to grasp a drink in the same way that cross fitters dust talc on their hands to grasp weights.

Do you hate exercise? What sneaky ways do you stay healthy?

This post was originally published on The Glow, health and beauty for real.