So you leave your house in the morning encircled by sunlight and warmth and happiness. Considering it’s the middle of January, all feels well in the world. You chirp in unison with the birds as you make your way to the city-bound tram, kicking your Boxing Day Sale sandals as you go, liking your chances of heading to the beach after work, or going for a walk on your lunch break.
Then, at approximately 1.01pm, the skies chuck a tantie and decide to wreak almighty havoc on you and everything you love like a two-year-old.
As the rain pours outside your office window, you look down at your pretty new sandals and dress and feel the weight of injustice wash over you. With the tiniest shred of hope, you check the contents of your bag. Sh*t. It’s happened. Again.
While half your office lets out an exasperated “NOOOOOOO”, the other half is suspiciously silent. There’s no need to panic for them, it seems. They are all more than prepared.
Which brings me to my point.
Our entire personalities are defined by our umbrellas, or lack thereof. Actually, who you really are becomes clear the moment rain hits the pavement.
Personality 1: The kook
The kook one has never - and will never - own an umbrella. The thought doesn't even cross their mind. They live waaaay too fast and loose for that, baby. This person got their driving licence about a decade after all their high school friends, deferred from uni too many times to count, and refuses to put the toothpaste cap back on the toothpaste bottle. Their nails and iPhone screen are perennially cracked. Life is simply too short to care.
They walk through the rain with pride and make not having an umbrella look... cool. Wet hair somehow also looks good on them and that's totally annoying to personalities 2, 3 and 4.
Personality 2: The hot mess
This person hates themselves for constantly forgetting their umbrella, and also happens to be wearing the most inappropriate wet-weather outfit in the history of mankind. Where is that stupid umbrella, anyway? Now that they think of it, they've bought about 11 umbrellas in the last year. All of them are missing. Probably under the floordrobe at home. This hot mess will NOT WALK HOME IN THE RAIN BECAUSE WHAT ABOUT MY HAIR, so to solve this dilemma, Personality 2 will run into the nearest convenience store and purchase the first umbrella they see.
"$34.95 for another crappy umbrella?" they ask, looking slightly soggy. "Yeah, alright then."
This person spends basically all of their salary on Uber Eats, work lunches, espresso martinis and subscription TV services. They enjoy Instagram and cannot be trusted with sunglasses over the value of $39.95.
Personality 3: The Monica
The Monica doesn't stress when they see rain - they came prepared. They didn't need to think about coming prepared, they were just.... hardwired at birth with an ability to pre-empt these kind of situations. People who don't have an umbrella handy are baffling to Personality 3. Why the f**k would you not bring an umbrella? Are you stupid? Did you get dropped on the head?
Monicas will not leave their house without the bed being made and eating a nutritionally balanced breakfast. They still carry a pen-and-paper diary because they get a kick out of Typo and Kikki K. They are who you want around in a crisis. They take pride in water-proofing their expensive shoes. They haven't missed a routine dentist check up since 2003. They make terrific maid of honours and f**king terrifying brides.
Listen: There are two types of people in relationships - flowers and gardeners - which are you?
Personality 4: The angel
Angels are the people who carefully place an umbrella in their handbag, at work, at home and in the car. Do you need one? They've always got a spare. Speaking of helping, the angels also have spare tampons, bobby pins, hair ties, nut-free snacks, bandaids, tissues and spiritual guidance handy - do you need any of those?
If an Angel spots you at the traffic lights resembling a drowned rat, they'll ever so carefully move their umbrella across to cover your head. They enjoy Oprah, self-help books, sudoku, Smooth FM, making the world a better place and philanthropy.
The beauty of the umbrella test is that you can't wing it. The truth will appear spontaneously. You can't just pretend to be an angel, or a Monica. The moment it rains, and you're out of the house, you'll know who you are FOR REAL. No ducking and dodging and weaving - just your personality type, plain and simple. Who knew an umbrella could reveal so much, right? You can thank me later.
So, tell us, which one are you? I'm a hot mess through and through.