The sole purpose of the high school reunion is to turn up seeming more successful and together than anyone would have ever predicted.
We all know this.
Luckily for people like me, it’s rather easy to exceed people’s expectations. I was the person who was always late, never, ever knew where my goddamn hat was and had at least three rotten bananas at the bottom of my school bag at all times. So the fact I even manage to make it to a school reunion wearing matching shoes is mind blowing.
But then there’s…. the others. The ones you talk about for years afterwards, because the people you went to school with never cease to be fascinating.
Whether it’s your five, 10, or 20 year reunion, these are the eight people who are always there.
1. “She doesn’t even go here”: The person you are 110 per cent sure never attended your school. Which is fine. But how did you find out about this event.
I’ve never seen you in my entire life and I have an absurdly good memory for things that happened at school.
I remember the time Andi claimed to get attacked by spider monkeys at the zoo in Year 8 simply to get out of doing the worksheet we'd been given. I remember when Sarah sustained an injury during preparation time for debating because she got excited and jumped on a desk. I remember when Jessie performed a reimagined Shakespearean monologue so inappropriate and politically incorrect I won't even repeat it.
But I do not remember you. You did not go to my school. I don't know who you are or how you got in here.
But hello, what are you up to these days?
2. The person who is purely attending the reunion to accumulate gossip. And... touché.
The extent of gossip to be gathered at a high school reunion cannot be overstated.