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The Queen recaps Donald Trump's visit to the United Kingdom: "One does not... fist pump."

* Words of Queen Elizabeth II, as told to Mamamia.

** Not really.

Even before United States President Donald Trump arrived on United Kingdom soil, he was ruffling the feathers of my subjects.

One does not want to ruffle feathers.

When the British government requested one invite President Trump for a state visit, one was sad to learn that in 2011 they’d taken away one’s right to dissolve parliament.

President Trump arrived on Monday, and the streets were lined with less people one would expect to turn up to Charles’ coronation.

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One met the Trumps at Buckingham Palace wearing a teal coat and hat, as one has learned teal is directly opposite orange on the colour wheel.

One received a rather odd greeting from the President, since explained to oneself by Duchess Meghan as a ‘fist bump’. One does not… fist bump. One does not like to speculate, but one thinks perhaps the President kept his fist enclosed so one’s hands did not appear larger than his.

donald trump queen elizabeth
"What on earth is one doing with one's hand?" Image: Getty.

One requested Charles and Camilla join in the first meeting, as although one is well-versed in polite small talk, one believes that no one, royal or common, should be subjected to that alone with the President.

One was very grateful for Charles, who took President Trump to inspect the guards, relieving oneself of the duty. Oneself and Camilla watched on with much amusement, as Melania Trump stood nearby. Camilla pointed at the President's hair: "One does worry of it flying off," she said. One does believe one heard Mrs Trump chuckle.

After lunch with the President, where one ate more cucumber club sandwiches than one should have to limit one's ability for conversation, one showed the President one's art collection.

One showed him items of American importance, such as a copy of the American Declaration of Independence. One also showed the President the gift he had presented oneself with a while back, and was taken back when he could not remember doing so (not really, one was pretending).

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President Trump described the collection as "huge", but insisted he had the "biggest, greatest, most wonderful art collection in the world." One was not amused.

donald trump queen elizabeth
"I can assure you President Trump, your official portrait is not worth more than this copy of the American Declaration of Independence." Image: Getty.

One then retreated to one's private rooms, as one needed time to put one's feet up before the night's state dinner. One requested a scone and a cup of tea (one also asked one's help to 'make it Irish').

State dinner's are terribly boring occasions at the best of times, but one had plotted to make this one the most boring one could imagine, so as to ensure President Trump would not want to do it again. One's plan worked tremendously.

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President Trump described one as a "great, great woman," which one appreciated, while wondering if the President knew any other adjectives.

donald trump queen elizabeth
"There's vodka in this." Image: Getty.

During private conversation one found oneself smiling kindly as President Trump spoke about his affinity for golf and desire to join one's family on a hunting expedition. One has since banned all expeditions until after the next United State's election.

Finally, one bid farewell to the Trumps and retreated to one's room. With another Irish beverage.

One's face hurts from putting on a smile, one's feet hurt from spending so much time on them, and one brain hurts from a full day of conversation with a man not known for his coherent speech.

One will spend Tuesday recovering from an exhausting Monday, although perhaps one will take a peek out of the window at some stage: One has been told the large, orange baby President Trump balloon will be back in the London sky.

One does enjoy that balloon.

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