4 questions we asked ourselves before having a second child.

When I was little, I knew I wanted to have kids. Then when I started dating my now husband, I made sure to bring kids into the conversation as soon as the second or third date. So when we tried for our first baby, the decision was pretty straightforward.

Then after a while, when our daughter was around two, we started thinking about expanding our family. 

From the rising costs of childcare and the changes to our family dynamics to filtering out everyone else’s opinions, here are the four questions we asked ourselves before having a second child.

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How do I feel about getting pregnant again?

At that point, the memories of being pregnant were overshadowed by the excitement of potentially welcoming a new baby. However, I had to remind myself how it felt during my pregnancy, the doctor visits, heartburn, mood swings, food aversions, nausea, always having to pee, morning sickness, and aches and pains. 

I didn’t love being pregnant, but I didn’t hate it. I have struggled with disordered eating and body image issues for most of my life; pregnancy and postpartum recovery took me on a vulnerable journey that required a lot of mindset management and self-work to see my body change. I had to consider the needs for my mental health before thinking about going through another pregnancy.

My delivery was also difficult. I was in labour for 36 hours. We were sent back home from the hospital twice and I ended up requiring an emergency c-section. It was painful, and I was afraid of going through that all over again.

So I wasn’t fond of getting pregnant again; however, I asked myself more questions.

How does my partner feel?

My husband and I grew up with siblings. We are the youngest in our families. We always had people around at home. Compared to me, my husband didn’t know whether he wanted kids; however, when he entered his 30s and his father had a health scare, he started thinking more about it and how he wanted to shape the next generation.

Obviously, he didn’t need to physically do a lot to create a human being. But we experienced sleepless nights, endless crying, and colicky madness together during that first year of her life. Despite all that, he wanted to do it again without hesitation.

Can we financially afford to have another child?

Children come with costs and the more kids you have, the more expensive it becomes. It’s not just nappies, wipes, and formula but once the child is out of that cute baby phase, they get bigger and bigger and need more time, space, and resources from you. 

There were things we didn’t need to buy again such as a pram, cot, high chair, and other baby gear. We could also reuse the clothes left over from our firstborn.

However, some of the costs would increase such as daycare, healthcare, housing, energy bills, transportation, food, and education. Our holidays would no longer be for a family of three. That meant an extra bed, plane ticket, additional luggage, and meals.

So we thoroughly assessed our financial situation. We reviewed our household income and expenses. Then we projected an increased family budget that would occur with an additional child and compared it to our financial goals.

Going through the exercise and seeing the numbers helped us understand our situation and made us feel reassured that we were financially ready to have a second baby without having to drown in debt and stress.

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Why do I really want to have another child?

Aside from my fears of a second pregnancy, my husband’s feelings, and our financial situation, I needed to dig deep into myself and understand why I wanted to have another child and ignore what everyone else was saying.

For me, my sisters were a huge part of my childhood. I want my daughter to experience what I had. There were so many moments when we would get frustrated or upset at our parents for being unreasonable and the first person I would vent to was one of my sisters.

To this day, my sisters and I are one team and our parents are another. Only we understand the nuances of our parents, their passive aggressive tendencies, the differences between what they say and what they mean, their unique ways of showing love, and how hard it is to accept who they are and appreciate all their strengths along with their weaknesses.

I want my daughter to have an ally in the family to team up against my husband and me.

A couple of my friends are only children. During this time, I asked them about their childhood; they emphasised that they were completely happy and content growing up without siblings. They never felt lonely or jealous of others who had brothers or sisters. They always had someone to talk to whether it was a friend, cousin, teacher or parent.

However, the one thing they wished they had a sibling for now was making decisions about their aging parents. As their parents reach their golden years, they would prefer to have someone to go through those difficult situations with.

I want my daughter to not feel alone when that time comes for my husband and me to leave earth; I want her to have someone to lean on, reminisce about us, mourn, and share stories together.

And so, after all that, we decided that having a second baby was a go.

Katharine Chan, MSc, BSc, PMP is an author, wife and mum of two. She writes stories to empower individuals to talk about their feelings despite growing up in a culture that hid them. You can find more from Katharine on her website or podcast or you can follow her on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter or YouTube.

Feature Image: Getty.