This guy is a future father of twins, and so I feel a certain camaraderie with him:
Sorry, I don't mean to bug you. I know you are very busy and probably get a lot of email (that's an understatement lol). Anyways, I found out a few weeks ago that my wife is having twins! Yeah, pretty crazy, but I'm really excited. I've been reading your blog for a long time even back before your blog was famous. I know you have twins also and so I thought I'd reach out to see if you had any advice to give me?
Can you tell me about you experience as a father of twins? People only ever tell me nice little things and they make it seem like it will be the easiest thing in the world. Give it to me straight. What was the hardest or worst moment as a parent for you so far? Is it the fact that you don't have any freedom anymore? My friends without kids are always going on trips and vacations and now they sort of make fun of me that that's over for me now. So, I'm just curious if you can tell me what you've been through?
Anyway, if you use this on your blog just don't include my email address please. Thanks man! Love your stuff!
This scene occurred about three months ago:
It was 10 at night, my wife had just finished breastfeeding and she looked exhausted. I told her to get in bed and get some sleep. I said I'd stay out in the living room with the babies. See, for the first few weeks after the kids were born, we had various family members coming in to help. But they were all gone and we were on our own finally. My wife reluctantly took me up on my offer, and now this would be my first long stretch of time handling the kids alone. Well, I wasn't alone in the house, but I was alone in the room, which seemed like a significant step.
I had it all worked out. How hard could it be to take care of two infants for a few hours? I'm bigger, smarter, faster, stronger, I have the ability to walk and speak; the deck is stacked in my favor, I figured. I had a plan: put a sleeping Luke and a sleeping Julia in their little swing thingamajigs, then sit on the couch with a beer and watch the History Channel. Wife sleeps, babies sleep, I relax -- everybody wins. Perfect plan. What's wrong with that plan? Nothing. Nothing should be wrong with it. It was a good plan.
Things started to go downhill rather immediately. In fact, as soon as I plopped on the sofa, took one sip of my favorite stout and let out a relaxed "ahhh" sound, Julia decided to voice her displeasure with the evening's agenda. Alright, put down the beer, pick up the kid. She stopped crying right away; I guess she just wanted Dad to hold her. Very sweet. Melted my heart. Then Luke chimed in. Ok, put down Julia, pick up Luke. He stops crying. Cue Julia. Ok, pick up both of them. I don't know why they wanted out of their swings in the first place. I mean, these are really cool swings. The seats vibrate, it plays music; they've got, like, mobiles of fish or giraffes or whatever dangling above. I'd love to sit in a swing like that. You have to pay three grand at Brookstone for the adult equivalent of something like this. Anyway, good luck explaining that to newborns -- Lord knows, I tried.
So, I'm holding them both. The beer is a lost cause. It's losing carbonation by the second. It's gone, Matt, let it go. Let it go. You had a long day at work and all you want is some peace and quiet? Too bad, bud. The babies don't care. I resign myself to this reality, and I smile as I hold both of my children close to me. Suddenly, the tender moment is interrupted by the angelic sounds of Luke crapping himself. Oh wonderful, it's leaking out of his nappy and getting on my arm. Man, it's everywhere. Good thing he's my kid because I usually wouldn't tolerate being covered in other people's excrement. Julia must have been inspired because she decided to take a bathroom break as well. Fine, hey, when nature calls, right? Put them both down, take off their nappies -- where are the new nappies? Now the babies are screaming again. Hold your horses, kids; Daddy's gotta run and find the nappies and the wipes. Where does she keep them? Where are the nappies?! The clock is ticking -- oh no, he's peeing on the carpet. Oh hell, Julia is still pooping. Pooping on the carpet. Hold it, kids, just hold it! Screaming and peeing and pooping; it's chaos. WHERE ARE THE NAPPIES? GOD HELP ME, I'M GONNA CRY. Oh, they're right here in this basket labeled "nappies." OK, change both of them. Damn it, I put Luke's on backwards. Fine. That's fine. Whatever.