“Toffee is live”.

… Here we go.

It was just after midnight when my phone buzzed with an alert from Toffee, which meant it was time to trawl through an inevitable sea of private school w*nkers (like me) in the name of love research.

I’d been waiting a couple of weeks for such a notification to come through, ever since the news first broke that Toffee was coming to Australia. So while you were probably fast asleep dreaming, or out making the most of your long weekend, I was wide awake navigating the most obnoxious dating app in the entire world for the purpose of this review.

You’re welcome.

If you haven’t heard of Toffee, it’s much, much more than the sticky, old-school sweet that gets stuck in your back teeth.

It’s the newest dating app for Australian singles that requires its members to have a private education, complete with actual background checks.

WE THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE AT FIRST TOO.

Developed in London, the app is strictly off-limits to anyone who attended a public school thanks to a “hybrid checking process” that uses “automated social media cross checks” and a “manual screening process” to make sure ~the others~ don’t slip through the cracks (yikes).

But look, you might actually be happy to.

Judging by the app’s design, prompts and general marketing – being an old scholar from a private school roughly equates to having a strong interest in the polo, being well-versed in the menus of fine dining restaurants and being the proud owner of a lifelong cricket members pass.

(I must have missed the classes in which these interests were developed).

Watch the promotional video for Toffee below. Post continues after.

I’ve never been to the cricket or the polo, and by no means would be considered “posh”, but as my housemate just kindly pointed out – I’m sitting here writing this review in my old school rowing club jumper. So yeah, I guess I’m “one of them”.

I’d set up a profile the day the app became available in Australia because I was fascinated by the sheer douchbaggery of it all, and before you @ me, I feel the need to point out that I don’t actually see attending a private school as a prerequisite for a prospective partner.

In fact, I find the app’s claim that “people from similar backgrounds are more likely to stick together” entirely untrue (Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, anyone?).

But, look, as someone who has juggled as many as six dating apps at a time over the past four years that I've been single (it's a lot of admin), I thought I'd give it a shot.

Plus - I'm starting to consider myself somewhat of a dating app connoisseur, so, really, I had to do this.

Here are my initial thoughts, questions, feelings and concerns about my experience thus far.

The "verification" process.

This is the part where a dedicated panel of experts from Oxford (we assume) decide whether your school is bougie enough to be part of the app.

While the app already has a list of schools it automatically allows, if your school isn't on the list provided, you can add it in manually and someone will do the grunt work of figuring out if it's the real deal. Because heaven forbid anyone from a state school accidentally wind up on the app.

Yep. This is the world we live in.

Profile editing options.

Once I was verified (it took about a day), it was time to set up my profile.

“Whether it's a shared interest in horse racing or rugby, Toffee users can indicate which sporting and social events they are interested in or likely to attend, to further enhance the matching logic,” the website reads, and you honestly can't make this stuff up.

Rather than simply choosing a snappy bio and connecting your Instagram and Spotify to get swiping with like-minded individuals, Toffee is tailor made for the specific things private school people allegedly care about.

It uses the below tools:

1. The "slider".

Firstly, I wasn't aware I only had six primary interests; partying, adventure, the city (?), the country, sport and arts & culture, but cool.

You use "the slider" to indicate just how much you care about each of category.

People interested in other things including music, family, current affairs, politics, travel, fashion and food are probably lying about going to a private school and somehow beat the system.

2. The "menu".

I'm someone whose first dates usually consist of a coffee, a drink at a low-key bar, or *sometimes* a pub meal. I actually once went to Nandos with a guy from Tinder and it was the best date I've ever had.

So having to specify my preference for an "entree, main, dessert and cheese course" seemed a little... extreme. Who is having a full four-course dinner on a first date? Is this normal?

Don't get me wrong, I'm into my food. But I'm confused about the relevance. Do we have to eat the meal we've detailed? Does a chef from Toffee make the food and send it to us for our date?

Help.

This was the default setting:

Posh people apparently like rare meat ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

3. The social calendar.

FYI, these are the events private school people attend exclusively. So much... Polo.

Am I the only one who didn't realise it was so big here?

Matches.

I've been a busy girl since the app went live last night and have a total of three matches as of this afternoon.

One, who just so happens to be playing actual polo in his profile image because of course he is, hasn't replied to my message, so that's going well.

The second, who is smoking a cigar in a dinner suit in his profile photo because, again, of course he is, has barely engaged other than asking "How I pulled up after last night?" (I didn't go out, so he seems to have run out of questions for me).

And the third seemed personally offended when I pointed out how ridiculous the concept of the app is (he probably thinks I am a traitor).

My overall thoughts on Toffee so far?

... I might just stick to Tinder.