couples

Sorry friends, but your weddings are sending me broke.

Look, I’m super happy for you and your loved one, but one more wedding invite and I’ll be forced into selling the house.

I have witnessed many of my friends go through sheer agony while deciding on their wedding guest list. It can often be a brutal chop of names to save some coin, so to make the final edit of the list is always a lovely thing.

So, I really don’t want to sound like I’m not honoured to witness the public declaration of love between some of my nearest and dearest but it is sending me BROKE!

Receiving an invite to a wedding comes with a hefty price tag.

I attended a wedding the other week and realised I spent a small fortune on the whole celebration. I realise I sound like a tight ass and I assure you I’m not, I even give my loose change to the busker down the street, when it would often come in handy for parking money. Generous I am! However, I am a tad over spending money on wedding spectaculars.

To kick off a wedding celebration we arrive at the first event, which is the Hen’s party.

You can never escape this day without $150 falling out of your wallet. Let’s be honest, fine wine, party buses and penis straws are

not cheap. I’m not embarrassed to admit my bosom buddies are all about strippers grinding them inappropriately and that kind of entertainment ain’t cheap.

The next event to follow was a Kitchen Tea. What a serious crock this is. I didn’t realise people still even had these kinds of parties. I always pictured a Kitchen Tea being an ancient shindig where women sip tea from fine china and swoon over cutlery that has been given as a generous gift. Of course this is such an old school image that I visualise it all in sepia tone.

I attended my first-ever Kitchen Tea for this particular wedding and I must admit it was not far from that at all. I sat and ate cake and sipped on tea with an odd mix of aunties, cousins, best friends and a cat. It was brain-numbingly boring and to add an extra element of gross we were required to bring a present. Whaaa? Didn’t we just spend $150 for a man dressed as a leopard to rub his man bits in your face? And now you want us to drink tea with your Grandma AND give a gift? $80 for a Country Road salad bowl exited my wallet with great speed and my mood went sombre.

ADVERTISEMENT

Next we arrived at the actual day. The time we get to see the lovely bride and groom pop rings on each other’s fingers and then dance the night away. Always a fun and feel good way to spend a day. But it comes at a cost!

First there is the purchase of a new frock, shoes to match (and maybe a new clutch for good measure.) The spray tan and shellac is a must and then there is ANOTHER present. You are lucky to escape the escapade for under $350.

No - I will not attend your cash-sucking destination wedding.

There is that ‘rule’ with a wedding present that you should give a gift equivalent in cost to what your ‘head’ at the wedding would cost. The wedding I attended was about $200 a head. Does that mean that because I attended with my boyfriend we should have given a gift worth $400?

Any present that has ‘rules’ around it sucks the fun out of it and makes me want to buck the system.

Way back when, people used to give wedding presents to help set up the newlyweds home. These days we usually live together before tying the knot and have a toaster that works just fine.

So, we are now requested to throw money in a wishing well so the husband and wife can go jet skiing while on their honeymoon in the Maldives that all the guests pay for.

Don’t even start me on the ‘destination wedding’; drawing on the mortgage is not out of the question for these types of invitations.

Maybe I’m a little put out because I have been living in sin with my partner for 10 years and we won’t be waltzing down the aisle any time in the foreseeable future. Now I’m a little tempted to tie the knot to have the presents repaid.

I do truly love a wedding, they are beyond special. I guess they say love hurts and when it comes to weddings one of the main things that hurt is my declining bank balance.

You can visit Monty’s website Show + Tell here.

CLICK THROUGH this gallery of themed weddings you'd happily stay home from...

00:00 / ???