I have a confession to make.
I ate the last Tim Tam. No, wait. That’s a different one.
This is it: I try really, really hard to be glamorous, but I’m just not.
It’s a hard truth for me to accept but there it is. I’m a bit more Bridget Jones than Bette Davis. A bit more Muriel Heslop than Mary Donaldson. A bit more Kath Day-Night than Katharine Hepburn.
But I’m not giving up hope. I WILL be glamorous, dammit. If I could just figure out how to do these eight things. EIGHT LITTLE THINGS that would change my Glamour Dilamma (I know that’s not how you spell ‘dilemma’, but I was doing a rhyming thing) and transport me into the world of charming, sleek, perfectly prepared glamour girls.
EIGHT THINGS THAT GLAMOROUS PEOPLE CAN DO THAT I CAN’T BUT WILL, DAMMIT.
1. Wear sunglasses on their head.
This happens 100% of the time, whether my sunnies have nose-bits or not. Thanks a lot, Hawkins.
2. Look good after being caught in the rain.
I live in Melbourne, so it rains approximately every 28 seconds. So often, I’ll see glamorous people skipping along, caught candidly without an umbrella, their shirts sticking sexily to their skin, looking like a Calvin Klein commercial. I catch a glimpse of myself in a shop window. I look like this.
3. Standing in the wind.
While we’re talking about the elements, how come glamorous people can make heavy winds work like a gently blowing fan in a Beyoncé video clip, while I have all of my hair stuck in my lip gloss and, oh no, there goes all the loose A4 pages I was randomly carrying around, dammit?
4. Not immediately fucking up manicures.
I painted my nails at my desk today (so productive. Employee of the month.) and I did it beautifully. Somehow, within two minutes, they looked like this. I don’t even know what I did. (Probably ate something, safe bet.)“How/why did I get polish here?”