This post deals with suicide and child sexual abuse and might be triggering for some readers.
For a long time, Tim Ferriss had a feeling that something was a little off.
His life was full of tiny little signs: his low tolerance for weakness, rage, how he cut his thumb as a child.
But Ferriss had no memory of anything actually being wrong. He, like most of us, couldn't remember much from his first few years of life, up until he was around five or six.
Most of us have memories beginning around three-and-a-half, but not much before that. This stage is called infantile amnesia, the inability for adults to recollect early episodic memories.
The Journal of Neuroscience published an article on infantile amnesia that says while early memories are usually inaccessible to adults, early life events such as neglect or an adverse experience can greatly impact adult behaviour and may predispose individuals to various psychopathologies.
In 1999, Ferriss contemplated suicide. He didn't attempt, only because he'd forgot to change his mailing address and a postcard from his university library informing him a suicide-related book he'd requested was available, arrived at his mother's home.
Ferriss - a 43-year-old American entrepreneur, investor, author, and podcaster - explained on his podcast how she then called him with a shaky voice.
"And that snapped me out of it, because I had only been thinking about really myself and the impact that it would have on me," Ferriss said on the podcast.
"I was so stuck in my own loops that I had not thought about the impact it would have on other people. And as someone later put to me, killing yourself is like taking your pain times 10 and inflicting it on the people who love you the most."
The Quicky explores repressed memories - and how some people get them back. Post continues below audio.
He later discovered he could escape that so-called 'loop' in his head through psychedelics - which had another unexpected consequence.
Ferris said he first started to remember repressed memories about five years ago when taking one of the most powerful hallucinogens on the planet - ayahuasca.
He discovered he was routinely sexually abused between the ages of two and four by the son of his babysitter.