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ASK CHANTELLE: 'I want to have a threesome with my partner. What are the rules?'

Mamamia's Ask Chantelle series is a pervy Q&A session with Psycho-Sexologist Chantelle Otten. Think about all the sex questions you've wanted answers for, but have been too shy to ask. Nothing is too embarrassing, kinky or wild for Chantelle. Honestly, we've all probably wondered the same thing too. This week, one woman wants to know everything there is to know about threesomes. And, if you have a sex question you want answered, email [email protected] with Ask Chantelle in the subject line.

'I'm interested in having a threesome with my boyfriend and another woman. But what are the golden rules I should follow?'

Well, first of all, you have to remember that fantasies about sex with an extra person/people are healthy. Here's what I would recommend for people that are interested in having extra people in their sex life...

Watch: How to have better sex. Post continues below.


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I’m a big believer in communicating openly and testing the waters on this topic. 

So the first thing you need to do is bring it up in a soft way. "Hey babe, I've been thinking about what it might be like to have another person in the bedroom with us at some point. Is that something you've ever thought about? Would you be open to having a chat about it being a possibility with me?"

See how they feel. 

If they say they are not interested, or they don’t feel comfortable, then you can then close the door for the meantime by letting them know you accept it, and should they feel differently at any point, you'd be very open to talking about it again, because it’s something you are interested in experiencing with them.

Now, I am actually a believer in going to see what it is like watching other people have sex. No, I don't mean peeking in your neighbour's window, I mean going to a sex club. 

You and your partner can go to a sex club in your respective city (or if you are travelling, another city!) and watch others have sex. 

You can then make the decision to join them (if they invite you) or ask someone else to join you! 

Sex clubs are great because you can choose to go on a night with other couples, so there are no single people wandering around, and usually, there is a gender balance. It is also important to wear condoms and use a lubricant to protect yourself from unwanted STIs, both of which are readily available in the sex clubs. 

If you decide to have a threesome at home with someone you pick, then there needs to be a few things set in place. 

Firstly, everyone should be sober, thoughtful, honest and very communicative. You must establish set boundaries about what you and your partner are accepting of in this scenario. And you must have a chat about the person you are inviting in about what they would be open to. 

Some questions I would suggest you consider:

  • What might I want from this? What would you want?

  • What don’t I want? Is there anything I worry about? What about you? 

  • Are there any sexual activities that are off-the-table when engaging with someone else?

  • Is this to bring more pleasure to our relationship? Or to repair our relationship?

  • What do I need to feel comfortable with in this kind of situation? What do you need?

  • Do we see something like this as one-time thing, or as something that might be ongoing?

  • Is this the best time for this in our relationship? Do we have any communication or concerns we need to work out first? 

I would suggest if you are considering inviting someone in, to do it at a hotel, so you can have fun and leave. 

If there is any time during the erotic experience that you or others involved feel uncomfortable, have a safe word to stop sexual activity straight away.

Feature Image: Supplied.

Chantelle Otten is Australia’s leading Psycho-Sexologist who is passionate about empowering people to feel great about their sexual health, self-esteem, communication and education. With a background in scientific research, sexual medicine, and counselling, she believes that sexuality and self-esteem are an integral part of life, which everyone is entitled to. Good sexual health should always be enjoyable, pain free and without prejudice.

Chantelle is the director of the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine, where she and her team of sexologists work to positively change the sexual lives of the Australian’s, also using her social media to spread sexual empowerment to all.