It’s a universally acknowledged truth that although we all celebrate Christmas Day in different ways, there are some events that, regardless of location, faith or age, we will all share.
The problem with Christmas Day, especially as an adult, is that there is an awful lot of pressure and expectation to have an amazing day. Yet usually, that expectation alone just causes more stress and infighting. Whose house should we go to for lunch? Who’s bringing what? Is my fuckwit of an ex brother-in-law going to be there because if he is, I don’t want to be there. That kind of thing.
This year, we will be having a large family Christmas for the first time in years but I have experienced enough of them in my time to know that at least one, if not all of following, you will identify with as a typical family Christmas.
Let’s see how many apply to you.
1. There will be a present-related injury
This will almost certainly be as a result of a skateboard. There will also be at least one head collision and also almost definitely, a period or time where you aren’t quite sure if someone has broken a hand (or a leg).
2. There is a martyr.
This is generally somebody’s mother. She toils away to have lunch prepared just right and absolutely refuses help from anyone else (especially her daughter-in-law.) You’ve probably heard a variation of the following: “Oh no dear, you sit down and have a drink, enjoy your day, I’ll be fine in here lovingly preparing a hot dinner on a 40 degree day in what is basically a furnace while you guys swim and be merry!” Passive aggressiveness at its finest.
3. Insufficient Batteries.
There is ALWAYS a battery issue. Even if you’ve taken every precaution, there is always that one toy that requires a weird battery and a child is left profoundly disappointed. Nice one guys.
4. A family member is forgotten.
You know that person. That one person you ALWAYS forget is going to be there when it comes time for present unwrapping and so you head down to the only place open on Christmas day, the servo and then watch them as they fake delight at their waterproof Dolphin torch.