There are two great pleasures in life: Food and sex. So naturally, someone was going to put two and two together and come up with…well, the very definition of #foodporn really.
No, it’s not about seductively (read: awkwardly) rolling yourself around in a pool of jelly or putting strawberries in places they shouldn’t be.
I was invited to Rood Food, “a month-long climax of suggestive pleasure”. SLAP ME SILLY AND CALL ME WILBUR, I’M THERE.
Rood Food is a new twist on The Imperial Erskineville’s Drag N’Dine dinners at Priscillas restaurant, running from September 10 to October 10 on Mondays and Wednesdays.
I dropped in on the first Monday night only vaguely knowing it was a very non-PG –and non-PC – event.
The concept is tailor-made for Instagrammable moments: everything on the menu is dirty. Or “Dirrty” if we’re channelling Xtina, which we are.
Some even have a dirtier presentation to match the kinky theme. They’re called “dirty dishes”… and that has nothing to do with how the chefs wash their hands (they do, the kitchen is open so you can see).
For $69 (obviously), you get a three-course, 10-dish menu of food and a three-act drag show titled “Bone Appetite”.
But enough of the foreplay, here are some of the dishes my friends and I tried.
The Pearl Necklace (oysters with finger lime and caviar)
This is probably one of the most traditional sexual dishes on the menu – oysters are a classic aphrodisiac. But it's all in the pearly presentation, which definitely inspired a few pearl necklace selfies.
None of us instantly jumped each other, but the night is still young ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Bachelor Balls (zucchini herb balls with yoghurt dressing)
Presented on a plate as part of the "Full Package", these balls were artfully placed at the base of Grandpa's Rabbit – a slow-cooked carrot "in its warm juices with parsley root puree and grain texture garnish". I'm just so glad the word 'moist' wasn't used, but everything here was very…um…moist. As for how we ate Grandpa's Rabbit, I took the knife to the end of the carrot and felt a pang of circumcision guilt. Sorry, carrot.
Panna Knockers (panna cotta with raspberries)
By this point in the night, political correctness is completely knocked out of you, so hey, panna knockers it is.
Pretty much every table is jiggling their plates.
The Gay Time Gag Ball (a salted caramel ice cream, dulce de leche with almond nuts)
A Fifty Shades of Grey take on the good ol' Golden Gay Time ice cream, the Gay Time Gag Ball had me gagging for more.
Thing is, my tastes turned out to be a little more vanilla than I'd expected. I ate it...with a spoon. Apparently I'm meant to eat it like this:
Being an immature human, I ended up using the mouth gag for much less titillating purposes. Yep, those lips travelled a lot.
Maybe it was the kinky cocktails (the gin-based Nut Buster was a fave) or the delicious drag performances including one number set in a giant prop cake, but the room was VERY merry and the ice was sufficiently broken.
But no greater pleasure came than when host Yaz Qween pulled up one member of the crowd for a trip to the Oral Outhouse. I engaged myself in deep conversation with a friend for a moment to avoid being that person.
My poor friend on the other side of me got chosen and dragged up on stage.
OH BOY. There's…there's a glory hole on stage. And a blind fold. And my friend is being fed a sausage. And then whipped cream. And then lemon juice squeezed out of a super soaker. I'm not sure what I just witnessed, but it was the (consensual) climax of the night.
As I gave a parting nibble of a white icing-coated phallic chocolate, I sat in a dazed state of foodgasm. I couldn't finish the chocolate appendage, so alas, inches were left over. I was done.
And so was my Rood Food experience for the night. I may not have gag-balled the Gay Time, but I had me a golden gay time.
For more info about Rood Food, visit imperialerskineville.com.au.
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Here is a snippet from escort Samantha X about why shower sex is the ABSOLUTE WORST: