'Men didn't want you.' All the things men have said to me since I came out as lesbian.

I’ve been attracted to women for as long as I can remember.

But it wasn’t till my mid-thirties, I realised I was gay.

Like a lot of late-bloomer lesbians (women who come out later in life), I was never repulsed by men, and took this as a sign I was straight. So, I leaned into being the cool, hot girl who did all the things guys liked in bed (and wrote a successful sex column about it!), even if I felt oddly anesthetised doing them.

While you're here, watch these nine powerful individuals share what it's like to be a lesbian. Story continues after video.

It wasn’t until I stumbled across a YouTube video explaining something called "compulsory heterosexuality" – the theory that heterosexuality is enforced upon women in a patriarchal culture that teaches us to covet male validation – I realised I’d always wanted men to desire me, but had never actually experienced sexual desire for a man.

Two years since I made that life-changing revelation and came out (first privately, then publicly), I’ve continued to receive messages of support from women who’ve gone through their own queer awakening as a result of reading my story.

The response from men, though, hasn’t been quite as uplifting.

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From suggesting I’m cosplaying as a gay woman for publicity, to insisting I date women because I’ve been "burned" by men – here are just a few of the most batsh*t crazy things guys have said to me since I came out as a lesbian...

"You hit a wall and men didn’t want you, so you switched teams."

The men who live in this alternate reality genuinely seem to believe there are women who simply CANNOT FIND A MAN who "wants" them. Because straight guys are discerning about where they put their dicks...?

Honestly, if I wanted a steady stream of sex and attention, and sexuality were in fact a choice, I’d have stuck with men. Securing a date with a woman, much less getting laid as a gay woman, is an undertaking not for the faint-hearted. 

For starters, available straight men dramatically outnumber single lesbians (spend more than 20 minutes on any lesbian dating app and you’ll have swiped through every unattached gay girl in Australia), and women are generally far more selective about who we’ll meet up with, much less bang (we’re not waxing our entire bodies for just anyone, soz).

"You're just doing this to get attention."

Men seem to think they hold a monopoly on being able to access and enjoy attention, and that it’s therefore an insult to suggest a woman might also want it.

To be clear, I think attention is great. (And desiring it is quite literally a part of the human experience.)

But frankly, coming out to my conservative Christian grandparents, spending thousands on therapy, and risking my career by admitting I took liberties with hyperbole for a decade to write about my sexual encounters with men, all seems a bit much effort when I can simply exist as a woman on the internet and have guys troll my comments section and spam my DMs any day of the week.

"Wouldn't you prefer the real thing?"

This question is usually levelled at queer women who use strap-ons; the implication being, we’re using an inferior "stand-in" for the penis because we secretly, desperately crave one and it’s just SO HARD to find a man who’ll put one inside us!

The men who ask this skate right over the fact lesbian strap-ons are attached to women’s bodies – they come with breasts and soft skin and dreamy curves. They’re also available in every colour (did someone say neon pink with glitter??!), curvature, size, and can have up to a dozen vibrational patterns guaranteed to make you come on command. The last time I checked, dicks weren’t offering that.

"Lesbians can't have real sex."

If by "real sex" these men mean collapsing after five pumps and the only coming that’s included is a woman coming to her senses, grabbing her false lashes off the nightstand, and getting into an Uber as fast as last night’s heels will carry her, then, sure.

If, instead, we’re not working from an archaic, homophobic definition of sex as something that can only happen when a penis goes into a vagina (incidentally, the least effective way for a woman to reach orgasm) and including things like locating and stimulating the clitoris, oral sex, using toys, manual stimulation, fondling, grinding, and any of the other myriad acts that actually get people with vulvas off, one might argue lesbians are out here having the "realest"mj sex of all.

Listen to this episode of No Filter where Madison Missina shares to Mia Freedman on what it's like to be a gay woman, having straight sex on camera. Story continues after podcast.

"You know you really want a man."

I rarely respond to invalidating comments about my sexual identity, but to these men I feel compelled to say: have you heard of the orgasm gap, Sir?

No, really. Because according to the most extensive study ever done into sexuality and climax, straight women get off the least of any group of people (just 65 per cent of the time, to be exact), and lesbians orgasm 88 per cent of the time. 

So, you know, maybe worry about the women who are relying on you for their pleasure first. We’ve got it pretty well covered over here.

Follow Nadia Bokody on Instagram and YouTube for more sex, relationship and mental health content.

Feature Image: Instagram @nadiabokody.