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"The 11 things I never thought I would say until I had boys."

There are certain things that you never thought you would need to say to another human being.

Raising young boys is certainly an entertaining journey to take through life. I’m sure that mothers of girls share their own special blend of challenges but mums of boys get to experience the true joy that is dinosaurs, trucks, poo, doodles and fart jokes. Usually all at once.

Luckily, I’d have a thousand of them if I could because boys are pretty damn cool but there are certain phrases that I never thought would leave my mouth throughout my lifetime. Then I had my children. I’m sure other mothers may relate to some (even all) of these.

1. “Don’t ride the dog.”

For some reason, this needs to be a constant reminder in my house. I feel sorry for my dog and make sure she gets some extra attention at night.

Plus, it’s just us in a house of boys. Us females need to stick together or they’ll take over. I imagine some sort of Lord of the Flies situation.

"Don't ride the dog" Image: istock

2. "No, you can't eat glue/leaves/grass for dinner."

Depending on which particular animal my son has decided he is going to be that day, I often have to explain why a menu of bark and twigs is not an appropriate nutritional choice.

3. "Just leave your brother, I really don't care if he wears pants or not."

I've heard parents of girls often complain that their daughter takes forever to get ready in the morning.

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Every outfit choice needs to be approved by the little Miss, and often the choices change as quickly as they are made.

Mothers of boys however do not usually have this issue. Instead, I battle every day to convince my kids that pants are required DAILY by general society. Sometimes though, I just give up.

4. "For the last time, you are not a dog. Use the inside toilet like everyone else."

My eldest son has a preference for wee'ing in the garden. He will actually run from inside the house to find an appropriate tree on which to mark his territory (or something?).

I'm still working on explaining to him that while the garden is an acceptable toilet for the dog, he sadly must utilise the facilities like the rest of us.

5. "I know darling, but not everyone understands you're a fire breathing centipede." 

See point 2 for reference. I'd also like to formally apologise to all the shop attendants who have been roared at, hissed at, grunted at and pretend eaten while my son has accompanied me to purchase groceries.

Roaring is a perfectly acceptable mode of communication in my house. Image: Istock

6. "Don't lick other people."

You'd think this would be a given. Apparently not.

7. "Don't wee on each other."

Again something that I didn't think would need elaboration. I was wrong. This phrase leaves my mouth more often than I care to admit.

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Why is this even something that needs explaining Image: stock

8. "Boys! Stop stretching your doodles."

What is it with men constantly playing with their junk? I can't tell you the fascination, but I can tell you that it starts early. One of the best activities is apparently to see how far those things will stretch. It's puppetry of the penis three-year-old style. I try and restrict this behaviour to home.

9. "I swear if you don't stop it I will list you on eBay."

I've said it and I've meant it.

10. "Baths are not negotiable."

Girls typically love being clean. Boys could care less if they see a bar of soap for weeks.

Each night, I feel I perform the work of a top police negotiator in encouraging my boys to wash. It usually doesn't last long. Inevitably, someone will poo in the bath.

11. "Don't touch the poo."

I don't care if it's yours. I don't care if it's his. I don't care if it comes from an animal. There is no need, ever, for you to touch the poo.

CLICK THOUGH the gallery to see the most searched for baby boys names.

Want more? Try:

“The strangest questions mums-to-be of boys have asked me.” 

“The 9 apologies to my friends with kids. I’m truly sorry.”

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