Here’s a Group Therapy question from Nadine* a regular MM reader who needs some collective wisdom….
I’m recovering from anorexia and bulimia – and have lost several boyfriends during my ordeal (boyfriends find it really hard to stick around with girls who are hell-bent on destroying themselves and throw up the meal he’s just spent good money on). Now I’m in recovery, the idea of dating is extremely daunting, especially when guys don’t know my history and there’s a huge fill in the blanks (why didn’t you sit year 12 exams?
Why have you deferred uni? What have you been doing this year? Well actually I’ve been in a psychiatric unit being force fed and trying to destroy myself? What about you?) It’s a bit hard to explain – but on the same side – if it’s a relationship, it’s not something you can lie about.
My question for group therapy is around all of the above; how do you manage a relationship honestly when you’ve had a severe eating disorder, while not freaking him out and having EVERYTHING become about food, when you’re still recovering and not fully well?
How do you explain that you were institutionalisted, but you’re not really crazy? How do you explain your history without sending him running? How do you explain that even though you’re doing well, you’re still ‘in treatment’?
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Top Comments
find the right guy... i'm in the same situation as you, and he's amazing.
Thoughm I too, have lost two guys in the process and it totally stalled two others i tried to date in that time as i was getting much much better. It's a bit hard to date, when you don't eat much, not surprisingly. (unlike you, im not bulimic... i feel sorry for that added dimension and am glad you're seeking help hun!)
Granted, i've never been institutionalised, but... i should've been. or dead, no joke. I lost my late teens and early twenties to HER, a time when i should've been having fun with friends. I lost people i thought were friends because it was too hard for them (i realise it must've been hard now, but at the time it was a slap in the face... another bit of proof that i /wasnt good enough/ for anything.
I do worry, such an amount, that some things will eventually take its toll a bit, his understanding and gentle nature, and willingness to help me help myself (so long as you realise noone can do it for you and it's a pretty big thing to bring to a relationship, especially new ones!) will eventually 'run out' like everyone else's but... in my honest opinion... this guy is different. we both have issues, and we want to make eachother better for the other person in the relationship - it's amazing.
I couldn't date /just anyone/. And I personally am not missing chunks of my past (well i am, but... apart from my 21st birthday, . there's not a lot to talk about in the 19-23 period that cant be glossed over).. so my suggestion would be to... gloss over it... eg you've dropped out of uni because you're not sure what you wanna dio (truth, because, you're obviously not quite well enough to cope with uni demands - hope this improves for you once you're on track, itd be sad to give away something you wanted dearly)...
It's sometimes simple, sometimes hard but try not to get into conversations about it if you're uncomfortable (hopefuly that'll be until you ARE comfortable, soon, because your new man is kind and caring and understanding and non-judgemental) - basically i guess i'm saying, don't be /too honest, too soon/... leave a bit of mystery (like, don;t flat out say i don't want to talk about it if something fairly innocuous comes up).
I wish you all the best. never give up, just find the right person for YOU.
XxOo
If it feels right, do it. If it doesn't then don't.