Tonight, the first episode of The Bachelorette will air.
Starring Georgia-we-frankly-refuse-to-believe-that’s-your-real-name-‘Love’.
But before it begins, there is something we need to address.
It’s…it’s the promo.
Let’s start from the beginning.
Georgia Love is walking through a place that looks like Paris and most definitely not Tasmania on what appears to be a perfectly fine day.
We would stipulate that it is approximately 22 degrees with maybe 30% humidity and a very low chance of rain. If we saw that weather forecast, we’d opt for maybe jeans and a t-shirt.
You know what we wouldn’t think to grab? A f*cking umbrella.
Yet, there it is. A big, red, completely unnecessary umbrella.
If someone poked either of us in the eye with an umbrella on a 22 degree sunny day...we would lose it.
And quite frankly, WE DON'T TRUST PEOPLE WHO USE UMBRELLAS WHEN IT'S NOT RAINING.
Georgia then explains that "No one ever actually believes my surname's Love..." which seems like the exact type of thing you would say if you were lying about your surname.
This ties into our sincere belief that Georgia Love is the first individual to be bred purely for the purposes of The Bachelorette.
Hence her a) physical perfection and b) made up surname.
THIRD OF ALL, she says she's a "reporter" in "Tasmania" - but have YOU ever seen her on TV?
We didn't think so.
Plus, everyone knows that there aren't any TVs in Tasmania. That's a known fact. Tasmania is a made up place where they breed future reality TV stars.
It's then that the sad music starts. Georgia is in front of a camera, kicking career goals. She is driven, articulate and successful.
Oh, but our dear friends, what you missed is that this is a modern day tragedy.
#Onelikeequalsoneprayer.
She looks deep into our souls and says "But at the end of the day I come home by myself..."
Okay, that is a lie. WE'VE SEEN YOUR CAT ON INSTA AND IT'S REALLY CUTE.
And then...this happens.
Georgia says to the camera "If I don't have someone to come home to at the end of the day, what's the point in everything else?"
Wait. Did she...did she literally just ask what the point of living is if you don't have a boyfriend?
On prime time TV? Is that...is that what just happened?
You know who didn't say that in their promo? Tim. Or Blake. Or Sam. Or Richie. In fact, this is what Richie's promo looked like:
Richie got to be JAMES BOND.
A character who has dated more than 50 of the hottest women the world has to offer. Richie's promo was literally set up as a fun movie/game.
And he got to awkward dance to that catchy "Shut up and dance with me" song.
WHERE IS GEORGIA'S FUN SONG? HUH? Why doesn't she get to break dance? Why does she have to be sad about only having a successful career, lots of friends and a rich family life?
And where was Richie's sob story? Or any of the bachelors for that matter?
What we all missed from The Bachelorette promo, is that a single woman in her late twenties, who has spent the last decade forging a career, is - simply put - sad.
It's all well and good to be smart, driven and successful, but not if that comes at the cost of finding a husband and having babies.
This isn't about Georgia Love wanting to be on The Bachelorette. This is about her needing to be on The Bachelorette.
Everyone light a candle for Georgia. Put your video cameras/microphones out for Georgia.
Because while singledom for men is a game, singledom for women is a horrible, horrible tragedy.