Before I gave birth to my first baby ten weeks ago, I was completely delusional about motherhood. I was confident (no actually make that cocky) that being a mum was going to be a breeze. Haven’t you seen the Bonds ads? All babies do is smile and be all cute and stuff. A little bundle of perfectness was exactly what I was planning on giving birth to. Drunk with confidence, I made some firm rules with my boyfriend (yes we have an illegitimate child living in our sinful home) on what we would, and would not do, when our first-born arrived. There was no doubt if we followed these rules we would easily nail the parenting of our angelic child.
Fast forward two and a half months and reality has hit in the form of a baby boy. I will now admit the rules we set were a teeny bit ludicrous. No, actually make that insane! Below are the rules, and exactly how successful I have been so far.
Rule One: No Bottles
How long it lasted: 8 hours (the moment my newborn was squawking for his second milk guzzle)
I’ll admit I was a bit of a ‘Bottle-Feeding Judgy Pants’ who had no idea how bloody hard breast-feeding could be. With the saying “Breast is Best” drilled into my head, I was determined to be a mum that would only breast-feed her kid. This is because I was terrified by stories about breastfeeding mothers who used a bottle once, and their little cherub refused to suckle their milk cans ever again. So the rule was made, “NO BOTTLES!”
I had barely left the delivery room when the thought of whacking my newborn onto my breast ever again made me shudder. After the first feed, my nipples resembled a clown’s nose. Needless to say the bottle became my saviour. I have managed to slowly get him back on the boob, but there are still times when my son is hitting the bottle harder than Lindsay Lohan.
Rule Two: No Dummies
How long it lasted: 19 hours (approximately the time sleep deprivation kicked in)
When I was pregnant, I believed my love alone would be enough to soothe my baby if he became unsettled. Sleep deprivation was not going to be apart of my life because my baby would be a self-settler, and be out cold for 10 hours a night. ‘Props’ like dummies would not enter our house because they would simply not be needed. FAIL. Miserable fail.