WARNING: Post contains swearing. Lots of it.
Once upon a time, there was the original ‘f*ckboy’ who was basically just Danny from Grease (let’s face it, he cheated on Sandy after a month and her perm wore off). You could spot him a mile off and he was easily avoided. He was generally a jock with great hair and a decent job, had big muscles and a history of women falling at his feet.
THEN dating apps like Tinder came about and all these other f*ckboys magically bred overnight with degrees in many different types of f*ckboy-ery.
Now, I’m a firm believer that in a gal’s life, she needs some solid single time. A time in which she can curl up in her OWN BIG bed with her laptop and something cheesy for dinner with no judgement. A time she can spend $500 on a Gucci belt with no eye rolls.
But during this slaying single period, she’s bound to come across every single f*ckboy she could possibly imagine, who will torment her with every single f*ckery thing they can think of. So read on for the six types of f*ckboys (I’ve encountered) and how to avoid them.
But first, let’s define the f*ckboy shall we? I feel like this sums him up pretty well…
The Classic F*ckboy
This f*ckboy is easy to spot and if you sleep with him you’ve only yourself to blame, as everything about him screams f*ckery. This lad will;
a) Have ‘DTF’ in his Tinder bio along with pictures of him patting a Tiger in Thailand (muscles flexed in Bintang singlet) and doing something ‘ladish’ with ‘da boyz.
b) He’ll initiate a conversation with ‘you’re hot’ and then pretty quickly let you know that he’s ‘not looking for anything serious’ (unless you were unclear on what ‘DTF’ suggested).
c) He will hound you for nudes and send you unsolicited dick pics out of nowhere that you really didn’t want at all, let alone at the dinner table with your nan.
d) He uses stupid text talk like 'u' instead of 'you' or '4' instead of 'for'. He also puts 'lol' or 'haha' on the end of the sentence even though he’s as funny and clever as a moist sponge.
e) He also sends the smirk and wink emojis excessively. Even though you continuously aren’t responding with anything close to an appreciative, flirty or suggestive matter.
This f*ckboy should only be responded to so you can continue to send screengrabs of how ridiculous he is to your gal pals. Do not sleep with this f*ckboy. You only need that type of f*ckery in your life for laughs.
The Mindf*ck F*ckboy
This guy is an evil genius. He’s an incredibly smooth manipulator who tells you he’s ‘not looking for anything serious’ but then acts EXACTLY LIKE A BOYFRIEND. You go out together, you know his friends, he sleeps over a few times a week and sometimes you don’t even bone, you just watch STAN and cuddle…
Oh but you know, he’s not your boyfriend. Which, no matter how hard they try and dispute, this is solely because they want to have the option of sleeping with other people. They also probably don’t want to meet your parents and buy you a birthday gift.
Girlfriend, if you’re dealing with this type of f*ckboy you need to shut it down. NOW. You’re worth more and you know it. Tell the idiot you want commitment and if he says something like ‘oh babe, I’m just not ready’ or ‘I told you I didn’t want anything serious’, grab your dignity and get rid of the worthless guy. Don’t settle for less than someone who thinks you’re as awesome as your friends do.
LISTEN: Mamamia Out Loud discuss the perfect response for unsolicited dick picks (post continues after audio...)
The Boomerang F*ckboy
This dude straight out knows how to ruin your life. This guy generally falls off the face of the planet for some worthless reason but then boomerangs back into your inbox after you post a really hot pic/are doing really well at work/for no fathomable reason except you were in a good place and his f*ckery sensed it. He’ll generally write you a message like this:
a) ‘Hey stranger’
b) ‘What’s been happening’
c) ‘Where have you been hiding’
d) ‘Long time, no speak’
Ignore this boomerang f*ckboy when he pops up in your inbox or just send back this: I assure you he still doesn’t care.
The Victim F*ckboy
Oh boy, is this guy a head case. This dude had something shitty happen to him (but doesn’t realise that most people get over it because you know, #life) and now blames his despicable behaviour on this thing that probably happened seven years ago.
Nothing is ever this f*ckboy's fault, he is always the victim and is just so ‘misunderstood’. Avoid the ‘troubled’ victim at all costs and don’t let him suck you in with his sob story.
The Stupid F*ckboy
Ahhh I’ve met a few of these chaps before. Generally speaking, these f*ckboys are too stupid to actually realise they are spouting words of f*ckery. Females are attracted to them because of their insanely good looks and sexual prowess, yet the words that come out of their mouth makes your brain angry. They’re generally really small-minded, have a complete lack of self-awareness and have an ignorance level that’s borderline Trump.
This f*ckboy is too dimwitted to hurt you toooo bad, but I warn you, its not really worth it.
The Dead F*ckboy
This f*ckboy dies. Or that’s how it seems at first. Things are going along swimmingly; much banter, much cuteness, much flirting, much happy. And then for no apparent reason, he falls off the face of the universe. Your texts aren’t responded to, he stops with the funny emails and he DOESN’T EVEN TAG YOU IN HILARIOUS STUFF ON INSTA ANYMORE. Oh but he watches your snapchats. Just so you know he’s not dead and is just actually a f*ckboy.
So there you have it, six f*ckboys I need my single gals to look out for. Let me know if I’ve missed a specific breed of these horrible humans and I’ll update accordingly.
This post was originally published on Showpo and was republished here with full permission.