There was one handy skill I took away from my single years in my teens and early twenties: How To Spot a Douchebag Like a Pro.
Sure, my greatest talent in life officially relies on judging people and being a bad person, but it’s also saved me a lot of time. And energy. And mediocre one night stands. And time. And sexual health checks. And energy.
Since learning the tricks of the trade my spidey senses are always – ALWAYS – on point when it comes to Douchebag Hunting. Actually, I can spot a King Of The Douches within moments of meeting him.
Let me explain.
Or, if reading isn’t your thing, you can LISTEN to me explain with Zara McDonald on Bach Chat last night below. (Post continues..)
All it takes is a single conversation – something that was highlighted on The Bachelorette last night by fellow noble Douchebag Hunter, Sophie Monk.
You see, this man, right here, acted like a total tosspot towards Sophie last night:
He was abrupt. A bit... aggressive. A bit... rude. A bit... no.
But you see, dear reader friends, there was a way we subconsciously knew all of this before Douchebag Ryan said much more than 'Sup, I'm Ryan'.
We could feel it. We just couldn't put our finger on what "it" was.
Well I'm here to tell you that "it" was this:
What are you...
Could you just... not do that.
STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT.
Ryan does what all douchebags do when in the presence of a woman - they lick their teeth and lips as they "listen" to you talking.
Don't ask me why. I just know that it's a fact that I can only prove anecdotally. The reason douchey men lick their teeth while we talk could be any of the following:
- They think you are a snack and would like to devour you whole. Like deli meat. Or a protein shake. Or a baby deer.
- They constantly eat very stringy things and have stuff stuck in their teeth (mostly meat... because protein) and tooth picks are rare to come by these days.
- Their arrogance and testosterone exudes from their tongue because there's just... no where else for it to go.
- They think their teeth are more interesting than what you have to say.
- Their teeth feel really smooth because just got their braces removed. Like... yesterday. (Generally applies to douchebags under the age of 16)
Go forth, ladies, with another weapon in your arsenal to protect yourself from this world's many douchebags.
You're so welcome.
For more anti-douchebag content from Michelle Andrews, you can follow her on Facebook here.