Excuse me, but we have a problem.
Last night, The Bachelor season five premiered, and we met precisely 22 eligible Bachelorette’s competing to offer Matty J their very own fertile uterus (uteruses? uteri?).
There was the woman who only lasted a few hours before lifting her leg and audibly farting (respect), and another who stole vital police resources to stage a gimmick. And look, that was all fine.
But there was one introduction that was edited out. And we’re having precisely none of it.
You can watch the exclusive footage of Clare J’s arrival on The Bachelorette last night. Post continues below.
Meet Clare J.
Yes, she’s preemptively changed her surname to match Matty’s. Yes, she’s a multi-conceptual-visually-aesthetic-artist. Yes, her gimmick was mime. And yes, she’s pissed off they aired the episode and fully pretended she wasn’t there.
Age: Very, very late 30s
Clare hates the outdoors and is allergic to sand. She finds that spending too long in a wet swimming costume gives her...
She's decided to quit all 11 of her jobs in the quest for love.
Her hobbies include wearing clothes inside out by accident and kicking her toe on furniture when her feet are particularly cold.
Describe your dream date.
"A sit down meal at Hungry Jacks. I'd make a booking for about 7:00pm, and bring a table cloth with me. Nothing is too special for my man..."
What is your proudest achievement to date?
"Definitely getting 13th place in the State in the inaugural Staring Competition. After the finals, I couldn't see properly for almost two weeks!"
Describe your ideal partner in three words.
"Matty J please."
What is your secret talent?
"I have one hair in the middle of my forehead that grows incredibly long overnight. All my friends are really impressed, and I'm sure Matty will be too."
Every Thursday, we will be following Clare J - The Rogue Bachelorette - on her journey to find love.
Something tells us that she might just be the woman Matty J didn't know he needed...
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