Oh, January 1. A day full of possibility. Like an unlined exercise book before your handwriting starts to lean.
Like a crisp white shirt for the 3.5 minutes after I first put it on.
Like that tasteful mini-hipster outfit you bought for the kids in the sale, just before they eat an ice-cream in it.
Oh, the kind of parent I am going to be this year. All of my parenting fails are fading into 2014’s rear view mirror and I, like you, am going to be the world’s most excellent parent as of NOW.
It’s going to be great, guys. Who’s with me?
Here are my new year’s parenting resolutions for 2015 (oh dear, how is it 2015 already?).
1. I will get organised.
Okay, so time is running out to get that whole ‘school uniform‘ thing sorted, and I completely forgot to buy any Christmas presents for my youngest, but this year, it’s all going to be different. Because I’m going to have lists, and wall-charts, and giant colour-coded calendars with sticky notes. I’m going to buy them tomorrow. Definitely. Because…
2. I will never again forget dress-up day.
Any memory of Mummy forgetting costume day will be wiped from my daughter’s mind, Jedi-style, today, and we are starting afresh. Never again will anyone be rummaging in the car boot at drop-off time, looking for something, anything, that will pass for a costume. A sun hat! Great. Truman Capote wore a straw hat, you know. Go as him. It’s book week, after all, and who says Breakfast At Tiffany’s isn’t a classic for primary readers? Never. Again.
3. I will not shout at the little buggers.
This year will be all about the measured tone, the firm whisper, the cajoling purr. The neighbours will no longer hear me screaming my children’s names at an ever-elevated pitch and volume until the dogs are barking and someone’s throwing things at the windows. Oh no. Because parents know that yelling doesn’t work. YES, WE KNOW THAT YELLING DOESN’T WORK.
4. I will find another hour in the day.
And with that hour, I will mulch organic smoothies/practise the home reader/exercise/stare into my partner’s eyes/ask everyone about their day and actually listen to the answers. All of those things. With feeling.
This will be our bible. Does it have a recipe for orange fish fingers?
5. I will only feed my children pure, healthy food.
The whole family, actually. We’re going to give up processed food. It’s full of chemicals and terrible for us. Except for fish fingers. They’re not processed, right? Or baked beans. They’re not processed either. Okay, maybe I will give up processed food. I think the chemicals might be helping the kids’ growth.