I’ve decided to break up with my sister.
No, I haven’t come to this decision quickly or lightly. We’ve been trying to get along for more than forty years and the only way I can describe our relationship is that it is extremely bipolar.
We get along like a house on fire and then with no warning, it disintegrates. It’s a war every time.
I’ve given up trying to figure out who is at fault, what I could do differently, how I can steer it better, how I can avoid it ever happening again.
I’ve tried and tried and tried but I just can’t do it anymore.
I have nothing left with which to feed this relationship. I have nothing left for her or for us.
I need to break up with her. I know it.
From today, we are officially estranged.
She doesn’t accept this. In her eyes she is perfect and I am something she needs to fix. She’s great and I’m a fuck up.
She is the only person in my life who looks at me like this. In her eyes, I am a mess. It is an uncomfortable reflection that I no longer want to see. I never want to see this again, to feel this way again. I’m almost forty and I only want people around me who love and support me.
If you think I’m being cruel, then you have obviously never had someone in your inner circle who hurts you this much. It is like a cancer in my life.
Nobody can upset me like her. Nobody can leave me feeling like such a loser.
We were having our most recent ‘episode’, an innocuous conversation that deteriorated into a war. Once again, I didn’t see it coming and was shocked at where it went. I’d had enough. Instead of trying to be reasonable and to defend myself, I decided to fight back.
I tried calling her but she refused to answer the phone. I think at this point she suspected she may have gone too far because she refused to answer. So I broke up with her via text. I don’t trust myself to do it to her face because she has a way of making me feel like I am the one who was at fault, who is insane, who is misunderstanding her.
The text was angry and firm and terse and final. It’s the kind of text we won’t ever come back from. That was deliberate.