The 11 emotional stages of doing a juice cleanse

I recently embarked on a three-day juice cleanse because I am a masochist. Well, how else can I explain why I chose to give up coffee, sugar, alcohol and food in the middle of winter?

Like any crash diet/ healthy eating plan things started off well, and then I found myself creeping on fellow co-workers making their lunch in the office kitchen. Followed by lying underneath my desk with five hours to go rocking back and forth while saying ‘I can’t make it, I can’t make itttttt.’ Behold the 11 emotional stages of doing a juice cleanse.

1. Let’s DO this.

"Cleanse schmeanse, I got this."

2. Invincibility.

"Who even needs food anyway?"

3. Creeping out on your co-workers in the kitchen.

"What's that you're making for lunch? That looks gooooood."

4. Extreme hunger.

"I cheated on the 40hr Famine in high school, why did I think I could do this?"

5. Despair.

"I'm only six hours in."

6. Trying to get through it by "chewing" your juice.

"Nope, still hungry."

7. Being afraid to leave the vicinity of the bathroom.

"Otherwise known as Day 2."

8. Extreme tiredness.

9. Wanting to give up...

"Whose f--king idea was this anyway? There are starving kids in the world and I'm fasting??"


This is where you undo all your good work by eating a burger, and chips, and ice cream.

10. Post-cleanse superiority.

"One juice cleanse down, I can pretty much conquer the world now."