I am so sorry to do this to you all.
Last week, I said we would never have to look at stupid bedrooms ever again. I said sayonara to boring bed heads, fully believing the monotonous hell was over. I thought there wasn’t another bedroom in the entire city of Melbourne to be renovated. I thought we were done. I thought we were free.
I was wrong.
Because this week, the contestants renovated those weird barn-like areas above their garages. And what did four out of five couples choose to fill their weird barn-like areas with?
More fujucking bedrooms.
Oh, and garages… which precisely nobody cares about. Except for Ronnie and that Volkswagen dude who insisted on charging everyone’s electric cars.
The producers tried desperately to convince us that these bedrooms were different to the other 193829 bedrooms we’ve already seen. After an hour and a half, I’m still unsure what this difference is, aside from “these ones are very, kinda, slightly, marginally bigger”.
Sarah and Jason: 26.5/30
Sarah and Jason didn’t finish.
We all knew this was coming, you see, because Sarah and Jason’s rooms all follow the same irritating narrative: Sarah and Jason start later than everyone. Are nonplussed about this. Continue to work at a regular pace, with no real urge to catch up. Act generally blase about everything, until approximately two hours before tools down, when they express surprise and frustration that they won’t finish. Present an unfinished room to the judges. Proceed to blame the tiling guys for everything.
Their room was mediocre. If I see another navy bed arrangement I’m going to scream.
Click through to see Clint and Hannah’s bedroom and ensuite…
Clint and Hannah: 27/30
This was a nice room. Again, it was a bit ‘meh’, but when the judges say “this is the best bedroom Clint and Hannah presented”, they’re really not joking…
Anyway, I feel like this bedroom really personified a packet of original flavoured chips. Good. Decent. Fulfilling. But no salt and vinegar, you know?
Click through to see Clint and Hannah's bedroom and ensuite...
Josh and Elyse: 29/30
I know that they were a point shy of a perfect score, but it is UNACCEPTABLE FOR THIS ROOM TO NOT WIN.
Josh and Elyse's room was the best by far. It legitimately looks like heaven. And I swear to god if they missed out because their shower screen was too slim that's just a joke, Shaynna. What they presented was beautiful. The rich people of Elsternwick will consider themselves lucky to roll around in the puddles on Josh and Elyse's ensuite floor. LUCKY GODDAMMIT.
This is a conspiracy to level the playing field. This is not okay.
Click through to see Josh and Elyse's bedroom and ensuite...
Sticks and Wombat: 29/30
The boys delivered a stunning room that looked like a bath of light. Every week they seem to put wooden panelling on the ceiling, the mechanics of which are still too much for me - the woman whose loungeroom ceiling light has been out for a month now - to comprehend.
5 stars. Should've finished second after Josh and Elyse.
Click through to see Sticks and Wombat's bedroom and ensuite...
Ronnie and Georgia: 29.5/30
I'm thrilled Ronnie and Georgia chose to not do a bedroom but a home office instead - I really am. But... this just... is not deserving of first place.
It's too... piecey... which I'm not sure is an actual word but actually describes this room perfectly. It feels like it's all in bits.
Deserved to finish third place. Tops.
Click through to see Ronnie and Georgia's home office and ensuite...
Have I lost my mind? Am I rich person illiterate? Or was Elyse and Josh's room really the best by far this week?
What was your favourite room? Let me know in the comments below...