real life

The lazy, disinterested woman's guide to more orgasms.




There’s no easy way to say it: you’ve been doing sex wrong. Nope, you’ve got the basics right – that goes in there, possibly there (ask first).
But your timing is out of whack.

This isn’t about orgasming at the same time – hey, we’re not all Hollywood movie directors – we’re talking about upping your chances of orgasming at all.

Because an orgasm rarely happens in these circumstances: If the only time your naked bodies convulse is when both your necks jolt up after accidentally falling asleep. If five hours ago you needed a coffee to have the strength to type an email.

Rule 1: Sex is always more important than loading the dishwasher.

The end of the day is not sex o’clock, it’s sleep o’clock. Think of the enthusiasm you had taking off your make-up – and that involved moving one face wipe four inches. Sex requires nudity, actual muscle use, and possibly more wiping up. It’s no wonder a new study found Australians are having less sex than a decade ago: we’re all fackered. That’s attempting to fuck while knackered.

Example: My boyfriend and I had been dating for a few months when we went to Paris, land of epic romance. Because we wanted to maximise the romance, we did not fuck first thing when we were fresh as a daisies and excited with life and each other. No. We wanted to wait until we had seen Paris. Until we had spent seven hours walking the streets, an hour in the rain at the Eiffel Tower, after we had endured a blazing, angry row over where to eat, and then got very drunk on ‘romantic’ drinks.

Which, of course, meant that we didn’t have sex once that trip.


Sightseeing = No sex for you. 

So it’s time to introduce daylight saving for our sex lives and start bringing the sexy time forwards.

US sex writer Dan Savage is taking the #fuckfirst mantra to a larger scale: fucking before you’re knackered, before you’re married, before your actual wedding reception if you’re about to get married. The man is a realist when it comes to our sex life and stamina levels.

He was recently on the receiving ending of Twitter hate from right-wing extremists when he made a joke that the Duggar family did not #fuckfirst. You know the Duggars – the American family with 101 kids. Oh sorry, 19 kids – that’s Dalmatians. They are fundamentalist Christians who do not let their kids do much first: dad auditions their dates, there’s no holding hands until they’re engaged, and their first kiss must take place at the altar. Or on Instagram – hey, they’re moving with the times where publicity is concerned.

Lights on. Daylight preferable. Early sex or no sex. 

But as Savage perfectly points out: “Sexual incompatibility leads to divorce, so it’s a good idea to establish the shit out of sexual compatibility before marriage. Despite their strong pro-family values, evangelical Christians have higher than average divorce rates – more likely than Americans who claim no religion.” Quite.

And as for the idea that scheduling sex isn’t romantic – well, haven’t we inadvertently been scheduling sex our whole lives anyway? At least fucking first makes sex more important than loading the dishwasher. Which it always, ALWAYS should be.

What would you put before sex?