By ROSIE WATERLAND
Once again, we open on our Bachelor walking along the beach contemplating life/romance/whether his polo could be any tighter (it couldn’t). Obviously, there’s a brief shot of him in the shower to remind us about the muscles.
Anna gets the one on one date. The date-card clue says “Lift off”. One of the girls genuinely asks if that means they’re going to space.
No turning back, you guys. We’re in this now. We’re in this.
Turns out Anna is normal, which after Ali/Jolene/etc is kind of a boring shock. She and Tim head to the Blue Mountains in a helicoptor, because the only time anyone travels by car on this show is when they’ve been kicked off. Lots of shots of trees and Anna saying “Oh my gosh!” Meh.
They go up in a sky-car and look at the view. Seriously – that’s all that happens. I literally have no jokes. I just want Ali to fly in on a chopper she stole and mark her man-territory with urine. In a desperate attempt to make this interesting, the producers start using their favourite tool: SERIOUS MUSIC. Tim says they’re going to do something that nobody in Australia has ever done before. What will it be? Will they jump? Will Anna wear a clear lip-gloss?
They have a picnic. On top of the sky-car. That’s it. Apparently it’s exciting because HIGH. Although it’s not clear if the ‘Australian first’ is the ‘picnic in the sky’ thing or the ‘picnic with no food’ thing. Yeah – this is a foodless picnic. Because things aren’t dull enough already.
Can someone please tell Channel 10 that you can’t just sit on a blanket and call it a picnic? Without food, you’re just sitting on a blanket.
Anna is refusing to show any crazy, despite the lack of Doritos. Tim says he has a fear of heights. Anna decides admitting that makes him vulnerable so he is now meant to be her husband. Ugh. Can we pleeeease cut back to the hou – Ooooh! We’re cutting back to the house!
Bianca says she’s “not jealous – just envious.” YES. That’s better. Give us more!
Dani says she isn’t worried because “What’s that saying? The rabbit or whatever? The turtle… The turtle wins the race?” NAILED IT.
Ali seems to be handling being left out of the upcoming group date quite well. Disappointing.
Cut back to the one on one. GASP! DRAMA: Anna has never had a boyfriend. Will this scare Tim off? Cut to suspense-filled ad break. We come back to find out Tim doesn’t care. Well that was a whole lotta nothin’.