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BACH FLUFF: The Bachelor finale is ruined, and what the hell is wrong with people?

OK, so today I’m really, horrifically, disproportionately upset.

And it’s not… funny.

Last week, it was a telling photo of Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen in my news feed. No, really, it’s cool – I just waited seven seasons for a huge moment but please spoil it while I am literally incapable of watching the episode until later in the day.

I'm... done.

Today, it's a story about The BachelorMore specifically, the winner.

You see, a certain Australian publication engaged in some next level stalking sleuthing and spent the weekend compiling evidence suggesting Matty J just had a romantic weekend away with his current partner, AKA the winner of The Bachelor. 

There were photos. There were weird Uber bookings. There were decoys. There was a Bachelor vehicle running red lights. And there's a very flawed story from the woman in question.

WHO THE HELL EMPLOYED SOMEONE TO WAIT OUTSIDE MATTY J'S HOUSE AND TRACK HIS MOVEMENTS. WHO THOUGHT IDENTIFYING THE WINNER WOULD BE A 'FUN' ACTIVITY IN TABLOID JOURNALISM. WHO DECIDED THAT SPOILING THE ONE TV SHOW ANYONE'S WATCHING ON ACTUAL TELEVISION WAS A NOBLE PURSUIT. THESE SENTENCES HAVE NO QUESTION MARKS BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT QUESTIONS THEY ARE VERY ANGRY STATEMENTS.

Listen to Clare Stephens rant to Laura Brodnik about the people who spoil The Bachelor. Post continues after audio. 

In a world where Kim Jong-un may or may not detonate a nuclear weapon, where one of our politicians wore a burqa in parliament for no reason, and where (allegedly) someone, somewhere still thinks Crocs constitute appropriate footwear, sometimes we just need to watch an attractive man be presented with 20+ eligible females in a quest to find love, and invest ourselves fully in the process. 

Yes, it's heteronormative. Yes, 80 per cent of the women could be reasonably mistaken for one another. Yes, the show has a number of eerie parallels to The Handmaid's Tale. But it is MY show to ruin, however I see fit. And no one has any right to take that away from me.

Of course, for the last two seasons of The Bachelor (Alex vs. Nikki) and The Bachelorette (Lee vs. Matty), the winner felt like a complete surprise. In the final moments of show, Australia's collective reaction looked a little something exactly like this:

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HOW VERY COULD YOU.

Now that magic has been robbed from us.

I've spent today contemplating who, specifically, I'm angry with. Of course, I'm furious that anyone thinks spoilers make for a legitimate story. Theories, yes. Weird clues that are open to interpretation, of course. But actual spoilers? That's... that's some sick sh*t.

But I'm also angry at Matty J. Please, sir, you had one job. You just need to sit in your Bondi home and not move/speak/make eye contact/breathe for approximately 6-8 weeks. IS THAT SO HARD?

And his (alleged) winning lady could've at least thrown us a red herring or two. Go spend some time out in public with a "mystery man" (or woman - that would actually make a number of media publications implode). Post some photos from the show with ambiguous, slightly sassy captions.

Listen to the full episode of The Binge below. Post continues after audio. 

Most of all, however, I'm angry with myself. I watch this show ironically. Why do I... care so much? Why am I so heartbroken that it's ruined?

It all comes down to one word: investment. Of time, energy, but also thought.

And frankly, I'm just done with everything being ruined all the time. Everyone's leaking Game of Thrones, and I simply DO NOT WANT IT. We put entire seasons of TV on streaming services and people who have no life (i.e. me) watch it immediately, and destroy it for everyone else.

It needs to stop. As much as we all deny it, we want surprises. And it's becoming harder and harder to get them.

Note: I have chosen not to name the (presumed) winner of The Bachelor. But if you feel like you need to know (which you don't), you can click here

To catch up on The Bachelor recaps, click here

You can follow Clare Stephens on Facebook here. 

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