OK, so today I’m really, horrifically, disproportionately upset.
And it’s not… funny.
Last week, it was a telling photo of Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen in my news feed. No, really, it’s cool – I just waited seven seasons for a huge moment but please spoil it while I am literally incapable of watching the episode until later in the day.
Today, it's a story about The Bachelor. More specifically, the winner.
You see, a certain Australian publication engaged in some next level
stalking sleuthing and spent the weekend compiling evidence suggesting Matty J just had a romantic weekend away with his current partner, AKA the winner of The Bachelor.
There were photos. There were weird Uber bookings. There were decoys. There was a Bachelor vehicle running red lights. And there's a very flawed story from the woman in question.
WHO THE HELL EMPLOYED SOMEONE TO WAIT OUTSIDE MATTY J'S HOUSE AND TRACK HIS MOVEMENTS. WHO THOUGHT IDENTIFYING THE WINNER WOULD BE A 'FUN' ACTIVITY IN TABLOID JOURNALISM. WHO DECIDED THAT SPOILING THE ONE TV SHOW ANYONE'S WATCHING ON ACTUAL TELEVISION WAS A NOBLE PURSUIT. THESE SENTENCES HAVE NO QUESTION MARKS BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT QUESTIONS THEY ARE VERY ANGRY STATEMENTS.
Listen to Clare Stephens rant to Laura Brodnik about the people who spoil The Bachelor. Post continues after audio.
In a world where Kim Jong-un may or may not detonate a nuclear weapon, where one of our politicians wore a burqa in parliament for no reason, and where (allegedly) someone, somewhere still thinks Crocs constitute appropriate footwear, sometimes we just need to watch an attractive man be presented with 20+ eligible females in a quest to find love, and invest ourselves fully in the process.
Yes, it's heteronormative. Yes, 80 per cent of the women could be reasonably mistaken for one another. Yes, the show has a number of eerie parallels to The Handmaid's Tale. But it is MY show to ruin, however I see fit. And no one has any right to take that away from me.
Of course, for the last two seasons of The Bachelor (Alex vs. Nikki) and The Bachelorette (Lee vs. Matty), the winner felt like a complete surprise. In the final moments of show, Australia's collective reaction looked
a little something exactly like this: