By ROSIE WATERLAND
Obviously we open with the standard shot of Tim on the beach contamplating life.
Cut to the house (we’ve switched to Wednesdays so these’s no time to mess around). We arrive just in time to see one of the girls explaining how love works: “If he doesn’t see you, if he doesn’t hear you, he WILL forget about you.” WORD.
Penny is becoming very close to Ali-level crazy. Is convinced all she needs is one chance with Tim “to hook it in.”
Ali gets the one on one date. Penny cries at the injustice of not getting to try her hook-related sex trick that would have certainly garnered an immediate marriage proposal.
Twenty minutes of solid Ali air-time is almost more than I can handle. Obviously, she kicks things off with a gem: “Tim makes me feel unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.” This is before the date has even started so she must be, like, seriously in love if she knows she feels that way after only having met him twice. THIS IS THE REAL THING, YOU GUYS. Clearly she knows so much about him because she’s been watching him sleep for weeks and has interrogated all his primary school teachers.
We’re at a race track. Osher tells Ali that Tim is a talented race-car driver and he’s going to take her for a few laps. But guess what? Tim is actually being super brave by waiting on the side of the road and sending in a professional driver! And the driver’s wearing a helmet so Ali won’t be able to tell! Sneaky Bachelor!
Laps laps laps Ali squealing laps laps etc. Has nobody considered the danger of putting Ali in a confined space before telling her she isn’t actually sitting next to the Bachelor? The driver gets nervous when Ali tells him she has 2 passports and a briefcase full of cash. He pulls over and the ruse is revealed.
She handles it quite well but only because she knows actual alone time with Tim is coming. The driver goes home to hug his wife and take a shower.
Tim asks Ali about ‘kiss-gate’ (see Episode 1 – when she tried to kiss him 30 seconds after meeting), she replies “You’re just so attractive.” Tim considers this a perfectly understandable explanation and leaves it at that.
Back at the house. Penny is the last person to be asked on the group date. Is convinced that Tim waiting this long to have anything to do with her is his way of sending her a ‘message’. She takes the date card and eats it so it will always be part of her.
Cut back to the one on one. We’ve been promised a kiss so it better be coming. Ali and Tim are boxing in the park. Not sure who thought it was a good idea to give Ali boxing gloves but I’m not the one in charge so…