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Fainting, tears and inappropriate touching: Last night's Bachelor recap.

Because CLASSY.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

Obviously we open with the standard shot of Tim on the beach contamplating life.

Cut to the house (we’ve switched to Wednesdays so these’s no time to mess around). We arrive just in time to see one of the girls explaining how love works: “If he doesn’t see you, if he doesn’t hear you, he WILL forget about you.” WORD.

Penny is becoming very close to Ali-level crazy. Is convinced all she needs is one chance with Tim “to hook it in.”

Ali gets the one on one date. Penny cries at the injustice of not getting to try her hook-related sex trick that would have certainly garnered an immediate marriage proposal.

Twenty minutes of solid Ali air-time is almost more than I can handle. Obviously, she kicks things off with a gem: “Tim makes me feel unlike anything I’ve ever felt before.” This is before the date has even started so she must be, like, seriously in love if she knows she feels that way after only having met him twice. THIS IS THE REAL THING, YOU GUYS. Clearly she knows so much about him because she’s been watching him sleep for weeks and has interrogated all his primary school teachers.

That better be Tim in there.

We’re at a race track. Osher tells Ali that Tim is a talented race-car driver and he’s going to take her for a few laps. But guess what? Tim is actually being super brave by waiting on the side of the road and sending in a professional driver! And the driver’s wearing a helmet so Ali won’t be able to tell! Sneaky Bachelor!

Laps laps laps Ali squealing laps laps etc. Has nobody considered the danger of putting Ali in a confined space before telling her she isn’t actually sitting next to the Bachelor? The driver gets nervous when Ali tells him she has 2 passports and a briefcase full of cash. He pulls over and the ruse is revealed.

She handles it quite well but only because she knows actual alone time with Tim is coming. The driver goes home to hug his wife and take a shower.

Tim asks Ali about ‘kiss-gate’ (see Episode 1 – when she tried to kiss him 30 seconds after meeting), she replies “You’re just so attractive.” Tim considers this a perfectly understandable explanation and leaves it at that.

Back at the house. Penny is the last person to be asked on the group date. Is convinced that Tim waiting this long to have anything to do with her is his way of sending her a ‘message’. She takes the date card and eats it so it will always be part of her.

Cut back to the one on one. We’ve been promised a kiss so it better be coming. Ali and Tim are boxing in the park. Not sure who thought it was a good idea to give Ali boxing gloves but I’m not the one in charge so…

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In what is possibly the most intelligent thing he’s done all season, Tim steers her away from boxing and into dancing. She is super smooth and suggests a dance move that involves her face being on his face. THE KISS IS HAPPENING:

That love spell she spent thousands on just paid off, bitches. And all she had to do was blend the eyes of a puppy with Tim’s pubes and drink it under a full moon. WORTH IT.

“I wasn’t expecting that at all,” she says in a cutaway to the camera. If there was ever an appropriate time to use a hashtag it’s now: #BULLSHIT. She was 30 seconds away from slipping him a roofie and buying a turkey baster.

Tim then gives Ali an early rose, which is the single most important moment of her life.

Back at the house, the girls are not impressed. Ali keeps using the word ‘intimate’ to describe her date, which must be scandalous because Dani informs us that “Ali keeps using the word intimate.” Someone else is learning for the first time how human interaction works: “It just seems like the girls who engage with Tim the most are the ones who get roses.”

Anna hears that Ali’s date went well and gets confused because her date also went well. You mean he’s going to like more than one girl at once? WHAT IS THIS? The Bache – oh.

Penny – ten seconds before The Hulk emerged.

Group date time. Tim has decided that the best way to get to know the girls is to put them in their underwear and have them compete for his love in a game of dodgeball. Because CLASSY.

Girl who shows the most of a mystery quality that Tim is looking for gets some alone time with him. Penny doesn’t know what that quality is but she’s certain that by turning into The Incredible Hulk and injuring as many girls as she can she will win.

She does. Her body splits open in absolute euphoria and 15 golden unicorns emerge.

Tim decides that the girls need to recover by going to a day-spa. We can add this to the list of near-naked activities that Tim seems to think will help him ‘get to know the girls better.’

Rochelle officially wins the Ralph Wiggum Award for worst player in the game, by sitting Tim down and telling him that sometimes it takes her ‘years’ to let someone in. You can actually see Tim’s eyes glaze over as he contemplates a future where he has to win a girl over, rather then the other way around. Years? As if.

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Next up, everyone is scarred for life as Bianca initiates foreplay with Tim in the pool. Anyone in the immediate vicinity walks away with an STI.

Back at the house, Penny gives her two cents on the day spa and wins my heart: “It was hot. Sexy. Like the Playboy mansion but classy.” Best description of anything I’ve ever heard, ever.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME.

Ali – the calm before the storm.

Bianca talks about her sneaky pool-touching and Ali gets a look on her face… Kind of like the calm yet disconcerting look a movie villian gets when they’ve finally decided to go through with their evil plan.

She is calm. Too calm. She turns to nobody in particular and in between head twitches says “Tim and I have a special connection that he doesn’t have with any of the other girls.”

He then spends the night talking to all the other girls he has special connections with.

Ali continues to sit in silence, clutching her rose with a blank look on her face. Someone tells her that she’s taking it too seriously – she needs to accept that Tim is close to the other girls too. Ali’s head turns in slow motion, she squints and says in a scarily deep voice: “I have a very strong and rational mind.”

Penny gets a rose. Ali is officially going to blow. EVACUATE.

Every rose Tim hands out to someone other than her is like a dagger through Ali’s heart. After 4 she can’t take anymore and faints. HER SYSTEMS ARE SHUTTING DOWN PEOPLE.

Tim escorts her outside. A medic arrives but Ali just needs Tim (don’t worry – he’s a chiropractor). She talks about being embarrassed and he tells her she’s fabulous words words words blah blah etc. She slips him a photo of his house with the words YOU’RE MINE written on it in blood. He knows what the deal is. Bianca ‘inappropriate touching’ girl has to go.

Tim toes the line and Bianca is booted. Osher helpfully explains that since she is the only one not holding a rose, it means ‘she did not recieve a rose.’ It’s a huge loss for the viewers – who will initiate public foreplay and tell all the other girls they’re not hot?

At least we still have Ali and Penny…

Were you watching last night?

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