friendship

"The 12 things I thought as my wife became addicted to The Bachelor."

1. I really need to go the gym. Sam’s body would make a Greek God weep. How the hell is my medium sized beer gut supposed to compete with a dude that could literally grate food on his abs?

2. Sam, please tone down your date locations. Do you really have to drink champagne in a hot air balloon? All I can manage is a ‘romantic’ trip to the local Thai restaurant.

3. Stop giving girls roses! Those flowers are expensive as all hell. Can you just grab some dandelions or a sprig of wattle from your neighbours front yard, Sam? The girls don’t care about the flowers anyway, they just wanna be in the next episode. Oh, and fall in love. Can’t forget that one ;)

4. Do I need to up my drinking game? Is that what means to be a super bachie man? Sam is constantly drinking with a group of hot girls. I’d be asleep on the couch after two glasses of wine. Osher would have to wake me up for the Rose Ceremony.

5. Why is Sam having emotional breakdowns when you get to choose between some insanely beautiful and interesting women? They’re all stunning and they drink wine! Dude, all those girls are awesome. During the Rose Ceremony you could seriously wear a blindfold, spin around and point at one of the girls and live happily ever after. Even if you pointed at Osher, I reckon you’d be pretty happy.

"Even if you pointed at Osher, I reckon you’d be pretty happy." Image supplied.

6. What’s the deal with Sam getting grilled about “taking Snezana/Lana away from their families”??? People move to a new city every day. Some move for love. Some move for opportunity. Some move because their family members appear to be crazy. Sam’s not taking these women to an alien slave colony on Pluto. Just use Skype if you want to talk to someone. Geez.

7. Sam loves kissing girls. Isn’t he afraid of getting cooties or glandular fever? Also, I thought it was kind of weird how the girls in the house would talk about how long they kissed him. Nina and Sam’s kiss apparently broke records… in bad taste!!! Kidding (sort of). I don’t know. I’d be worried about picking up some freaky disease and then I’d insist that the girls wipe their faces with baby wipes BEFORE we go on a group date.

8. How come when I get home and tell my wife that I couldn’t get a parking spot at work she doesn’t care, but when an identical girl gets eliminated from a reality/game show she gasps as if she’s in horror movie? Life’s not fair when The Bachelor is on.

9. Maybe the choice between the final two is harder than I first thought. Lana can speak two languages. Snezana is an awesome mother. Decisions…

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10. Why don’t people like Lana? Oh, she’s an intruder!!! And that means that we have to illogically hate her because she’s not one of the ‘original girls’. If Lana broke into the Bachelor House and then stole the identity of one of the ‘original girls’ then I’d understand why people would hate her.

"If Lana broke into the Bachelor House and then stole the identity of one of the ‘original girls’ then I’d understand why people would hate her." Image supplied.

11. Stop dressing up in formal wear in your own home. NOBODY DOES THIS! I don’t want to wear a suit when I’m sitting on my couch. I’ve never met anyone who wears a tuxedo/cocktail dress to drink in their own home. Unless you’re recreating The Great Gatsby every Saturday night, put on some track pants and have a beer on the couch like a normal person.

12. The epic battle music is amazing. It’s so intense. My wife was watching The Bachelor last night and I thought she was watching an action film on GEM. I’m waiting for Russell Crowe to rock up during the Rose Ceremony in the finale and challenge Sam to a gladiatorial battle for Snezana/Lana/Sarah. I managed to illegally download a copy of The Bachelor finale. I’ll give you a brief spoiler…

The Final Rose Ceremony:

Russell Crowe: "Sam, you’ll have to fight for love.”" (Russell Crowe threatens Sam with a sword. For some reason Russell is wearing his outfit from Gladiator)

Sam: "I can’t make a decision. Osher, what should I do?"

Osher: "Follow your heart, Sam and listen to my podcast."

Sam: "I love Snezana/Lana so much…can’t I marry all of them?"

Russell Crowe: "Sam, you’ll have to kill me first. ARGHHHH!!!"

Battle music becomes really, really loud. Russell and Sam fight to the death. Sam hands the final rose to Osher.

Sam: "Osher... you... are… so nice."

Osher: " know, Sam. Shame I didn’t get to interview you on my podcast..."

End of Series 3.

Are you addicted to The Bachelor? Who do you think will win? 

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