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Well, well, well. 

If it isn't time for us to watch a ridiculously tall man try to find love on a televised competition in the middle of a global pandemic.

Sweetie's here, and he's ready to meet his new tall friend. 

"YOU GORGEOUS BEANSTALK." 

We open on Locky jumping off a cliff, and then jumping out of a plane, and then throwing a bike off a cliff. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

He then scales up the side of a cliff which seems excessive given that past bachelors just pensively stared at the ocean and thought about their previous relationships and where they went wrong. And maybe took their shirts off. 

Locky's arrived at the bachelor mansion and Osher is... beside himself. 

"LET ME GET A LOOK AT THAT THICK NECK."  

OK, the women are arriving. 

Here are the MVPs: 

Steph. Special needs teacher. Loves a burrito. Definitely wife-y material. 

Izzy. Asthmatic. Loves a chilli. 

Irena. A nurse. Definitely a front runner. 

Ooooh. 

Areeba is here, and she'd like everyone to know that she's in charge of absolutely everything but especially Osher. 

"BOSS."  

YES PLEASE. 

WE HAVE A WOMAN IN A PENGUIN COSTUME.

And it turns out she just really likes... penguins. 

"THERE'S NO LIMIT TO WHAT YOU CAN PUT A PENGUIN ON."  

Her name is Rosemary, and she deserves each and every rose. 

Next up is Zoe-Clare, who would like to eat Locky like a piece of chocolate cake. 

VILLAIN MUSIC. 

Laura is here, and she's annoyed that other people... exist. 

"IT'S REALLY INCONVENIENCED ME."  

She asks Locky how much he'll spend on her birthday present and announces she'd very much like a Louis Vuitton bag. 

Then she does a yell about how f*cken GROSS Bali is and how you can't even brush your f*cken TEETH there. 

She seems... nice. 

The women are sitting around in the mansion trying to figure out where they've seen Locky before. Was it at their local Woollies or was it on one of the biggest reality TV shows in country? Idk idk. 

A woman called Charley arrives and explains to the rest of the women that Locky is "from Survivor". 

Zoe-Clare is telling some poor woman in the wrong place at the wrong time that she'd like to melt Locky down like butter and spread him on some toast and eat him up for dinner. 

"ORDER HIM ON UBEREATS, COMPLAIN, GET A REFUND, AND EAT HIM ANYWAY."  

Oooooh. 

Locky's future wife has arrived, and her name is Bella. 

Locky gets lost in her eyes which is unexpected because they're so small and he's such a large man. 

100% THE WINNER 

Over in the mansion, Laura is yelling about Rosemary wearing a f*cken penguin costume cause it's f*cken stupid. 

Osher arrives, and he's very excited about something he's calling THE TRIPLE THREAT ROSE. The woman who receives the rose is guaranteed triple the time with the bachelor - a single date, a group date, and an invitation to the bach pad. 

Obviously Laura thinks it's f*cken stupid and Zoe-Clare would like to eat it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Locky takes the penguin for a chat, and Laura is... annoyed. Areeba would also like to remind everyone that she's the boss. 

Zoe-Clare grabs Locky for a chat because she's ready for a hot meal. She does a little munch on his arm and he scans the horizon for Osher. 

Ooooh. Manufactured drama time. 

Areeba has come to join them because she's the boss. After an awkward three-way conversation Zoe-Clare leaves them to it. 

Back with the rest of the women, she starts doing a yell about how Areeba is a mole and Laura is confused because that's her job. 

While Areeba is calling Zoe-Clare a "basic b*tch", Irena is listening to Locky's heartbeat. 

Locky takes his future wife Bella for a chat while Areeba and Zoe-Clare continue to yell about each other. 

This is when things take an... unexpected turn. 

Zoe-Clare has decided Areeba, one of the few women of colour in the mansion, is targeting her because she has... red hair. 

via GIPHY

It's confusing for precisely everyone. But especially for the producers who couldn't even make this sh*t up. 

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After running away in tears, Zoe-Clare decides she's a Proud Ranga Woman and she shan't be putting up with systemic ranga-ism any longer. 

Meanwhile, Locky and Nicole are just low-key doing the lift on the verandah and Osher is hiding in the bushes feeling left out. 

"TAKE ME STRAIGHT TO HEAVEN YOU TALL MAN."  

Zoe-Clare decides to go and yell in Areeba's face and tell her what a mole she is for discriminating against her hair colour. Areeba thanks her for her feedback and has a giggle because THE IRONY. 

"You know why you did it."  

Locky gives THE TRIPLE THREAT ROSE to Nicole because she hasn't called anyone a mole or yelled at anyone for discriminating against her hair colour all night. 

Laura thinks it's f*cken stupid and would like to know why she has to wear a f*cken costume to get some attention around here. 

It's rose ceremony time! 

Osher announces that Zoe-Clare has "taken ill" which is code for "she drank too much and caused a scene and we had to lock her in the basement for a lil bit". 

The penguin gets a rose. 

Bella gets a rose. 

Irena gets a rose. 

The boss gets a rose. 

Laura gets a f*cken rose. 

Two women I have literally never laid eyes on do not receive a rose. Wishing you all the best and also all the teeth whitening endorsements. 

UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT. 

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