There are three things I know to be true:
The sun sets.
Water is wet.
And New Years Eve is – and always will be – shit.
There is nothing that ruins fun quite like the pressure to have fun. Purposeful celebration is a (subtle) form of torture.
Even the movie New Year's Eve was a letdown.
"Let's celebrate!" is akin to saying "Everyone! Enjoy yourself! Have fun, no seriously have more fun. Fun is mandatory - DO IT BETTER." There are simply too many instructions, and we end up feeling dissatisfied and guilty that we didn't adequately fulfil our obligation to 'fun'.
Although Instagram will have us believe every person in the world is having a far, FAR better New Years Eve than us, what with their champagne, bronzed skin, 92 friends, and yacht worth more than I'll earn in a lifetime - that might not be entirely the case.
Here are some stories to make you feel better about your frankly shit New Years.
My own: The hair incident
You know how sometimes it feels as though life is joking? When things go so wrong it's almost funny? And you think, 'Ah - I'm going to make a mental note of this for the book I plan to write one day'?
Yes, well, last New Years Eve was not one of those times. There was nothing funny about it.
I was looking forward to going out on a boat on Sydney Harbour, and letting my hair down.
HAIR. This is a hint. (Post continues after gallery.)
So, on the 31st of December I thought I'd 'treat ma self' and get my hair coloured.
I went to the salon I always go to, but for some reason this day I had a different hairdresser. She appeared nervous. I'm pretty sure at one point she called on another hairdresser for help. There is a significant possibility this woman was not employed by the salon and, I don't know, just gave it a go. When it came to shampooing, it felt as though she was trying to erase whatever she had just done and I sensed the panic in her fingertips.
I was then taken back to my chair and was confronted with what had just happened. In a completely #firstworldproblems sense, I was traumatised. My roots were now a highlighter orange/yellow. Yet the rest of my hair, which had formerly been blonde, was now grey. It was like balayage, except an ACCIDENT, and hands-down the worst thing I have ever seen.
I cried and cried. I raced to another hairdresser, where I was told that I'd have to leave it alone for the next six months because it was so damaged and I wouldn't get the colour back in the foreseeable future.
That afternoon my friend arrived to pick my sister and I up for the boat and I couldn't even leave the bathroom. I spent the rest of the night in tears, trying to avoid Instagram for obvious reasons.
The stolen New Years Eve kiss
Mark had started seeing a girl named Beth, and he was very excited.
They had been texting regularly and things were looking promising. Before they knew it, December had rolled around and they planned to meet up on New Years Eve.
Mark had another party to attend first, but left early to meet Beth. He arrived just before midnight (#romance) to find Beth passionately kissing a different boy who Mark was, funnily enough, good mates with.
He was angry, so headed out the nearest door of the 10th floor apartment to be by himself for a moment. It turned out it was the fire escape, and he got locked in there. Despite dozens of phone calls, it was an hour or so before anyone rescued him.
By this point he had well and truly missed the whole 12 o'clock fuss. Mark then spent the next hour in a cab, between two people who couldn't keep their hands off each other.
Happy. New. Year.
It's probably best to just stay home and watch some damn good television. Post continues below.
Just straight up dumped
Joshua got dumped by the love of his life on the 31st of December.
Luckily, his family was going out on a boat (oh, was it good? Imagine being on a boat for New Years Eve...) but he spent most of it in the cabin wallowing in self pity, nursing his broken heart.
His dad eventually called him up to the deck, where he decided to eat a cracker. He dropped it. So he picked it up to throw it off the boat. But the heartbreak had effected his coordination and he actually threw his phone overboard.
Thinking this was as bad as it could get, Joshua went back downstairs to resume sulking. But then the water got choppy, so he became incredibly sea sick. He then spent the rest of the night vomiting.
Joshua says that even in retrospect, he doesn't find this story remotely funny. It was literally just the shittiest day ever.
When I asked for stories about 'your crap New Years Eve' I was inundated. There was a story about being robbed in Byron Bay, and then attacked when the thief was confronted. There was a story about moving to another country to pursue a relationship and discovering that night it was destined to fail. There were multiple stories of sleeping through it - which at this point appears to be the way to go.
The only redeeming scene from the movie 'New Years Eve' features Zac Efron dancing. Thank me later.
Although I hope you don't have a crap New Years Eve, the fact that the night is (objectively) cursed means many of you probably will.
Hopefully the knowledge that you are not alone will provide some comfort. Now we can all enter 2017 knowing that the worst of it is behind us.