real life

The 10 different kinds of married sex.

married sex

By LADY CHATTERLY

Just before we got married, my husband lost count of the number of times he was told by his mates to “kiss your sex life goodbye.” Yes. Because obviously he was marrying a woman who was only having sex with him until he put a ring on it and not because hell, she might actually enjoy it. And continue to do so after walking down the aisle.

Thank you very much friends of husband but I can honestly say that no, our sex life didn’t disappear after we got married. It certainly changed though. Life, the very nature of being in a long term relationship and life again, most definitely combine to make sex a little less straight forward than in the early days.

With that in mind, here are some of the different types of married sex I’ve encountered:

1. We got all dressed up and should probably have sex tonight, sex.

You’ve squeezed yourself into the dress you wore for your own engagement party 5 years ago (win) to celebrate a friend’s birthday. He’s ironed a shirt and is wearing a little too much Hugo Boss aftershave. You’ve used up most of your remaining energy reserves just leaving the house, ensuring the babysitter knows what to feed the fickle toddler, how to use the DVD player, where to find the nappies etc etc so the idea of sex isn’t really that attractive when you return home at 11pm. But you have to. You both went to the effort of getting all dressed up, and you’re both a little tipsy. That has to lead to sex. Right?

2. Holiday sex.

Sheets covered with sand, sunscreen smelling, lazy, you’re in another country, in a hotel room, in a king size bed, sex. Sweaty, reminiscent of your honeymoon in Hawaii except there’s a child accompanying you this time, sex. In the pool, in the shower, on the balcony. Twice a day, decadent, cocktail fuelled. Need I say more.

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3. Quick the baby is asleep, sex.

Exhausted, half conscious, odd and usually inconvenient time of the day/night sex. Is that the baby crying? Bugger. Mood killed. Mood unable to be rekindled.Multi tasking

4.  Has it really been that long since we’ve had sex, sex.

It’s been (insert length of time) since you last shagged and frankly it’s getting a little embarrassing. You’d better do it, at the very least to maintain your average the next time you have to fill out a survey asking how often you do the deed. Plus, Sarah and Daniel have sex at least five times a week, and they have 3 kids under 3 and live with Daniel’s parents. Which makes your current effort a little pathetic really.

5. Oh my god I fucking love you, sex.

Right at this moment, for reasons beyond my comprehension, I fucking love every single delightful thing about you. YOU ARE THE SEXIEST MOST WONDERFUL, FUNNIEST MAN IN THE WHOLE UNIVERSE and I need to know you in the biblical sense. Right now. This kind of sex also often follows a period of absence from one another, usually for at least a week or alternatively, upon receiving a surprise bunch of flowers. Total aphrodisiac. Men take note.

6. Things are totally crap lets cuddle, sex.

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I just got retrenched/had a fight with my mother/had a crappy day and I don’t feel like sex  at all, but sure, a cuddle would be nice. It’s rarely just a cuddle though. And generally, things feel a little less crappy afterwards.

7. It’s 3am and I can’t sleep, sex.

Me: “Are you awake?”

Husband: “No.”

Me: “Oh you are. Good. I can’t sleep. Do you know what might help though?”

Lena Dunham Eating Cake On Toilet (1)
Birthday sex?

8. Birthday/anniversary sex

Historically, this one’s a massive let down. By virtue of the fact that it’s a special occasion, mind blowing, celebratory sex should logically follow. Of course it never does. Completely  and utterly anticlimactic, so to speak.

9. Make up sex.

This usually happens after a day or more of the silent treatment. Think about it; all that pent up rage, frustration and irritation has to go somewhere. Cue the mind blowing sex missing from point 8.

10. Lazy, happy, wonderful sex.

Familiar, in your favorite position, intimate, sexy sex. The kind that comes from years of knowing one another. The sex that made you fall in love. Fun and fearless. Uninhibited. The sex that gets better and better as the years go by and makes you feel like an absolute goddess. The best kind, really.

Lady Chatterley is a writer of life, sex, love and relationships; the real, the raw and the raunchy. She can be found on Twitter @MsChatterley.

Can you think of any other types of married sex?

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