When we recently moved house my first concern wasn’t about when the beds would be delivered or the stovetop functional, it was, “When will the Foxtel be connected?” Ever since Strawberry Shortcake, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Rainbow Brite stole my heart as a child, I have loved me some telly.
I know I’m not alone so here are the top five things I reckon every TV-obsessed person will understand.
1. Your perfect weekend = PJs plus remote.
There was a time when my perfect weekend consisted of getting my roots done and heading out for espresso martinis. Now, I’d much rather pop on my pyjamas and settle in for a 10-hour session of critiquing Shaynna’s cushion choices on Selling Houses Australia.
Being able to binge watch episode after episode of my latest series obsession is recreational bliss. Previously on Nashville? Fast forward because I just friggin’ watched it! If my regrowth does reach a stage of looking like unintentional balayage, I bypass the pile of trashy mags at the hairdresser and watch Wentworth on my tablet through Foxtel Go (#winning).
"I’d much rather pop on my pyjamas and settle in for a 10-hour session." Image via iStock.
2. You become emotionally invested in character’s lives.
I’ve been known to cry like a baby when one of my favourite couples get hitched (#Rayna&Deacon4eva) or a beloved character gets disembowelled by a zombie (#RIPNoah). After the season six finale of The Walking Dead, I spent 30 minutes silently staring at the wall as I tried to process my shock at Negan’s heinous game of eenie-meenie-miney-moe.
After calming my nerves with some rescue remedy washed down with a jumbo glass of sauv, I launched into an enthusiastic debate with a friend on which member of Rick’s tribe was going to be sans cranium in season seven while scouring the internet for credible theories.
#Rayna&Deacon4eva Image: ABC
3. You have an intimate relationship with your Foxtel Planner.
Unfortunately life can sometimes get in the way of uninterrupted television viewing. There’s that pesky job, family gatherings and the relationship experts insistence that you speak more than four words (i.e. “hand me the remote”) to your spouse per day.
In order to juggle my love of TV with the need to have a life, I have entered into a trusting relationship with my Foxtel Planner. The series link button ensures I never miss an episode of Dance Moms and it’s always considerate enough to let me know when it's nearing full. It even allows me to flag that Dirty Dancing should never, ever be deleted and I can remotely access this functionality through my phone if God forbid I head to a birthday party and forget to record My Kitchen Rules. It completes me.
You’ve defriended someone over a #spoileralert. Image via HBO.
4. You count down to a season premiere.
I may forget birthdays/where my keys are/my wedding anniversary but I never forget an “express from the US” season premiere. The anticipation of season six of Game of Thrones was about as intense as tracking the progression of my pregnancies.
It felt like it took forever to arrive but the pay off was totally worth it. If you really want to excel as a TV addict, preparation is key. Ensure you are in peak mental condition for an impending premiere by chucking a sickie and rewatching every episode of the previous five/eight/20 seasons. You never know what you might have missed. If you feel your attention waning by episode 106, take your tablet to your local café, order a double shot and get cracking on ep 107.
If you really want to excel as a TV addict, preparation is key. Image: NBC.
5. You’ve defriended someone over a #spoileralert.
There is a special place in hell for those who share information about a recent episode of GoT within 48 hours of it screening. Not all of us are lucky enough to be unemployed/working night shift/watching live telly on our phone in the work toilet so for the love of Arya, give those of us who are busy at 11am on a Monday a chance! If you simply cannot wait to share your horror/disdain/excitement at the latest narrative twist to hit King’s Landing please preface your post with “SPOILER ALERT” and put the spoiler in the comments or prepare for a Joffrey-style dummy spit.
Television has come a long way since I recorded Gummi Bears and The Smurfs on VHS and I couldn’t be more thrilled. Some people think being glued to the telly is a questionable choice of downtime. To them I say: You know nothing Jon Snow. And to those who understand the joy of the box/live stream via numerous other devices, I say: Inbox me your thoughts on Negan’s victim. Ta.
What TV show are you currently binge watching?
Whether you’re a cushion hogger, sofa slider or pillow propper - Foxtel has got what you want to watch, however you want to watch it. For those who like to plan their own viewing schedules there’s Foxtel Anytime where you can push play when you’re ready and stream the best new shows and movies. If you like to watch away from the sofa there’s Foxtel Go so you can watch on your morning commute, in bed, or at the office and the best bit? Both are included with your Foxtel service. Foxtel. Make it Yours. Find out more at Foxtel.com.au