December is a strange and confusing time for me. See, I’m alllll about Christmas. The decking of the bells, the wanting you for Christmas, the silencing of the night. Let’s just say, I’m an expert in all things Claus.
But in my mind during the months leading up to Christmas, I picture myself wearing a thick, insulating Christmas jumper while sitting by the fire with a hot choccy by my side.
Sadly, this has never once been the reality, and probably never will be in Australia, because of… Summer. Aka the cruelest of all seasons. Aka the most physically and mentally difficult three months of the 12 we are given.
Catching me at the beach outside my air-conditioned house during the summertime is a rare sight. Yes, some call me a hermit for this very reason, but unbeknownst to them all, I’m actually one step ahead of all their worst summer nightmares.
These nightmares include, but are not limited to:
WHY IS THERE SO MUCH OF IT.
Last summer, I went to the beach once, for approximately 12 minutes. Cue cries of horror. I know, I know – what kind of Australian am I? Apparently sand felt the same way, and decided to punish me the only way it knows how: To intercept my life with its unsolicited presence.
They’re tiny little crumbs of evil that follow you wherever you go. After one visit to the beach, little specks of sand somehow crop up in the most inconvenient places, at the most inconvenient times.
Having a nice dinner the day after a trip to the beach? Sand in your mouth.
Lying in bed a week after a trip to the beach? Sand on you sheets.
Maybe I’m just a grub of a human and need to wash more thoroughly. But still… I blame sand.
2. People. Are. Everywhere.
Summer is an introvert’s worst nightmare.
Forget about mosquitos. People are swarming and us introverts are very, very afraid.
If you want to step outside for a light stroll (hah, who are we kidding), or a bite to eat, think again. People would apparently prefer not to be cooped up inside their homes in the summertime, but be out and about.
Listen: The problem with saying “summer bodies are made in winter!” (Post continues after audio.)
This means what feels like the entire Australian population is sitting in your usually low-key, local café on a Sunday morning.