If you steal from a supermarket self-checkout, you're probably a psychopath.

My dear friends and country(wo)men.

You know how you’re always talking about how society is going down the toilet?

Well, you’re right. Australia as we know it is falling to pieces. The values we once held dear are gone. That whole “fair go” schtick was retired in 2005. We can’t trust anyone as far as we can throw a koala.

Some people say immigrants are the problem. Others blame it on politicians. Some say “the left” are at fault. Others say it’s “the right”. But I know what the problem really is.

The problem is you.

Yep, you. The one who puts your avocados through the self-checkout as brown onions and conveniently “forgets” to scan your coconut water before chucking it in your shopping bag.

"If you steal from self-checkouts at the supermarket, you are tearing the very fabric of this society apart." Image via iStock.

You're the destructive force ripping our faith in other people to shreds. Because if you steal from self-checkouts at the supermarket, you are tearing the very fabric of this society apart.

I know what you're going to say. You've got lots of really good reasons why you think it's cool to blatantly rip businesses off.

Well, here's what I'm going to say: you're a psychopath.

And I'll tell you why:

1. Psychopaths have grandiose ideas of their own entitlement. 

Now, I know what you're thinking. Supermarkets are money-eating monsters. They don't deserve all that profit! THE PEOPLE deserve that profit! You're taking an exciting stand against THE MAN by scanning your expensive nuts as cheaper nuts!!!

Except you are not.

THE PEOPLE who deserve that profit are the ones who work at supermarkets and supply produce to supermarkets. You know. The ones who did work. The ones whose livelihoods depend on it. 

Repeat after me: I do not deserve to rip off a large corporation just because I am feeling a tad strapped for cash.

Also repeat after me: I am a psychopath.

David Gillespie is an EXPERT in psychopaths. If you're convinced you might be one (or know someone else who you have tipped for psychopathy), listen to his interview with Mia Freedman. Post continues after audio.


2. Psychopaths are impulsive. 

We both know you didn't plan to begin a sordid crime ring centred at your local Woolworths. It just sort of... happened. The opportunity presented itself and you couldn't refuse, because you're an impulsive psychopath.

3. Psychopaths show no remorse or empathy. 

If you haven't been stricken by a sense of crippling guilt by now, there's no hope for you. You have the emotional range of a psychopath.

4. Psychopaths are pathological liars.

If you've been caught - and let's face it, you probably have - there's no doubt you've lied about it too.

"Oh, these are MANGOS? I could have sworn they were onions! Good golly, what a silly billy I am! How did that happen? And my organic shampoo didn't even scan? Technology is so frustrating, isn't it?"

I'm onto you, psychopath.

"I can't imagine why I accidentally scanned my imported Italian almonds as brown onions!" Image via iStock.

5. Psychopaths are more likely to commit crimes. 

It shouldn't have to be said, but apparently it does: when you steal from supermarkets - whether you're at the self-checkout or you're standing on your friend's shoulders wearing a really long trench coat and hiding rolls of stolen toilet paper underneath - you are committing a crime. You are hurting people. You are bad and you are wrong.

You are one step away from running through the streets murdering innocent civilians while yelling "BIG BUSINESSES OWE ME SOMETHING!"

Face it. You're a psychopath. Your friends and family are psychopaths. Your colleagues and your acquaintances are psychopaths. Everyone in Australia is a big ol' psychopath.

And there's only one way to stop it.

Please, for the love of God, guys: start paying for your sh*t.