"I've just learned I'm disqualified from the biggest style trend of 2017."

Let me paint you a picture of the office I work in.

There’s me. In the corner. Surrounded by bottles of dry shampoo and note pads and a mysterious miniature bottle of vodka whose origin I can’t quite remember. On my left, there’s Sophie Aubrey, she’s the morning editor. Behind us is Zara McDonald and Katy Hall, two lovely producers.

Sophie, Zara, Katy and I are all pals. But something this winter has seen the three of them walk off into the distance, arm in arm, while I watch on in quiet isolated depression.

Listen: Sophie Cachia on piercing her children’s ears. (Post continues…)

You see, they’re all so enjoying the latest trend of 2017. They waltz in everyday, donning this season’s must-have accessory on their ear lobes, waiting to be showered in compliments and love and adoration. Before they put down their morning lattes, the compliments come in thick and fast like a tidal wave.

Sometimes, when I’m feeling particularly lonely, a glistening tear will roll down my cheek and splash onto the floor as I hear each “oh WOW” and “they’re amazing!”

Why? Earrings. They’re all the extremely proud owners of statement earrings.

In case you missed the memo, statement earrings are BIG right now (both in size and level of popularity). The reason for this, our resident beauty guru Brittany Stewart wrote this week, is because we’re all selfie obsessed and need big ol’ bling to make our Instagram photos snazzy.


So that means glitter! Sparkles! Metallics! Jewels! Dangly things!

“They somehow manage to be simultaneously casual AND dressy. You can chuck a pair on with a plain t-shirt and jeans or a ball gown, and on both occasions they’ll improve your outfits. They’re also a great distractor should you have not had time to do your makeup or noticed a peculiar stain on your person,” Spears cruelly explained on Thursday.

Zara is wearing a lightning bolt in each ear right now. I’m not joking.

Ugh. Stupid Zara.

My problem is not that I don't like their earrings. Because I do. I like them too bloody much. My problem is I CAN'T WEAR THEM BECAUSE I HAVE ALLERGIES.

Allergies to any earrings that are not gold. Allergies that make my ears look similar to a baboon's hiney when I rebel and pop two gold lightning bolts in. Which means I haven't worn earrings since I was, oh, I don't know, 18? And now, they have completely, heartbreakingly, grown over.

Everyone is wearing statement earrings while my earlobes are utterly naked. Naked and alone and ugly and alone and naked.

So, today, when you wander out into the world and see all the happy statement-earring-clad women, spare a thought for those of us who have STUPID ALLERGIES and can't wear dinosaur earrings made of pompoms and steel.

Think of us, okay?

Just think of us.