If you’ve ever donned an awkward-coloured dress and been forced to dance with suited men you’d never met before at an inconvenient rural venue, chances are you’ve been a bridesmaid.
If that’s you, we’re sure you can attest to the fact that the whole experience was as emotional as Lupita’s Oscars win.
And if you’re about to do the honours, we’re here to warn you that the whole thing’s quite the rollercoaster: there’s fear, there’s excitement, and there’s seven other distinct stages of bridesmaid-hood you should probably know about.
So read and learn, friends. Read and learn.
Being asked to be in a wedding is like getting to be in Jennifer Lawrence‘s crew in The Hunger Games. You’re like the best of the best friends – a “chosen one” – and you get to wear a special outfit (and hair that someone else has actually styled for you), to make sure everyone knows it.
Basically, on the scale of zero to “VIP invitation worthy of Beyonce”, being asked to be a bridesmaid is like an 11.
Once the initial buzz wears off and you’re done toasting yourselves with a bottle of champagne and the other
Tributes bridesmaids, the procrastination begins.
Telling yourself that “Pinterest research” is a very important task, you put off all the wedding-relating jobs you’re actually supposed to be doing… and fall into the rabbit hole that is celebrity wedding galleries instead.
3. Regret (of procrastination)
You’re suddenly two months out from the wedding, and there’s that awkward moment when the bride asks how all the planning’s going.
There’s no easy way to tell her this, but all you’ve got to show for yourself is a Pinterest account full of images of your own imaginary reception… and excellent knowledge of the Kardashians’ relationship history.
Never fear, it’s time for dress shopping. Huzzah.
Oh wait. Your bride’s just picked out some ‘suggestions’ for her bridal party – and the outrageous cost of these creations is surpassed only by their horrendously unflattering cut.
It’s the only time in your life you’ve handed over $400 to look like a less-confident clone of Liza Minnelli, and you’re not happy.
So. Someone finally reveals that the Maid of Honour was totally asked to be in the bridal party a month before the other bridesmaids. Big mistake. Huge, big mistake.
One of the bridesmaids, who’s secretly feeling jilted about missing out on the Maid of Honour gig in the first place, gets all stroppy because her new boyfriend’s not invited to the reception. Then the bride wigs out because the day is SO not about the bridesmaids’ new boyfriend.
Then the bridesmaid gets all wounded and says she feels unappreciated because, after all, she HAS agreed to dress like Liza Minnelli on the day. Which gets her boyfriend banned from the ceremony, too.
Days out from the wedding, the downwards spiral continues as you realise you’ve dropped $1,000 to rock up to a party with no date and 1970s poodle curls. With your
retaliation date wedding nowhere in sight, you’re feeling pretty sorry for yourself.
But there’s no time for self-pity on the wedding day, because when you rock up to the ceremony you realise you literally have to walk down an aisle in front of ALL THE PEOPLE.
And then remain standing in front of all the people for a full forty minutes. Gah.
You’re 100% terrified that you’re going to do this when you walk down the aisle.
Or this in your reading of the love poem, bible verse or whatever.
… And it’s all a bit too much to bear. So, of course, you feel you can justify three glasses of bubbly before the 11am ceremony.
8. Emotion. So many emotions.
At last, when you DO walk down the aisle, all the madness makes sense. Your bride-friend looks stunningly beautiful, and if watching her grandma bawl doesn’t give you all the feels, there’s no hope for your cold, dead heart.
You have an embarrassing, inappropriate amount of emotions as they couple have their first kiss.
Then, all of a sudden, it’s over. Just like J-Law, you’ve survived against all odds and come out unscathed (except for a series of stiffly-posed photos that make you look like Matthew McCongaughey aged 16.)
Your bridesmaid to-do list has only one, glorious, item left on it: make a serious dent in that bar tab.