To the me of 18 years ago.
You don’t know it yet but your beautiful baby boy has a secret. That secret is going to break your heart. Repeatedly. But I promise you, it will be okay. I promise. Sure you will need therapy, and a big bottle of Zoloft with that therapy. It will help, it will help you crawl out of that overwhelming fog you will feel for a while. But you won’t need them forever.
This baby boy is going to keep you up at night – literally and figuratively. You will worry over him like no other child has made you worry. I’ll be honest, you’ll never get over that worry and it will haunt you, but not constantly.
One by one you’re going to give up on the dreams you had for this baby boy. The ones of him in the playground, the sports field, the best friends, and what he could be as an adult.
The furthest ones will fade first. For a while you will live in the moment. Eventually you will allow yourself to think a couple of years ahead tops. Oh you will plan for his long term, but in the most of generic of ways, guardians, care plans and comfortable seating. You will even ponder the idea of a group home. But mostly, you don’t think of those things.
You just take it a few days at a time. It’s just easier that way. You will meet all sorts of people because of this child, and their true selves will be revealed. You’ll learn that some people are just assholes, some people mean well but should keep their mouths shut, and some people are kind, but most are clueless to what you’re going through. But you’ll learn that most people - at heart - are good.
This child will help restore your faith in mankind again, and again, and again, just in the way people treat him. You will spend the next eighteen years wondering how you ended up the parent of a special needs child. You kind of get used to it, but at the same time, you will never get used to it. It will be the feeling of constant surprise when you sit back and think about it. How the f**k did I get here? How the f**k did this happen? WHY WHY WHY ?