Disclaimer: this is a tongue-in-cheek article.
With Sophie Monk’s quest for eternal love set to kick off later this week, the nation has now learned the occupations and ages of her suitors, and when it comes to the latter people are not happy.
Yes, the men appearing on The Bachelorette are younger than her damn it, and for so many reasons that is simply not okay.
For starters, the fact that the 37-year-old celebrity has eight men in their 20s and 10 men in their 30s vying for her love and affection suggests that clearly, she's a cougar.
Similar to the way every person to have ever competed in the reality series appears to like 'em caucasian, Monk appears to like 'em young. Now, I know, I know, we all say it's perfectly fine for men to date younger women without being deemed sleazy and immature so really, this rule should apply to older women dating younger men, but it just doesn't. Because women have things like faces that age.
I mean, can you imagine seeing the face of a visibly older woman with a younger man? It would be like seeing Elsa Pataky and Chris Hemsworth together, ugh! Hideous. No, we cannot have that being Australia's next great love story, thank you.
Older women also have biological clocks that tick and tock up until the very moment their first baby exits the vaginal canal and finally brings meaning and purpose into their lives. Men, however, don't have said clocks. So naturally, pairing a younger man with a woman who, at this stage of her life, is probably partially deaf from the booming of said tick tock just makes for a disaster.
It would be like seeing another Megan Gale and Shaun Hampson, who despite their 13-year age gap, are about to welcome their second child together. Sure, they seem incredibly happy but it's hardly ideal, is it?
Listen: In case you missed it, here's everything you need to know about Sophie Monk's new reality television gig. Post continues...
Also, it's well known and documented that younger men have a fear of commitment. They're simply not ready to settle down at a young age because they have wild oats to sow and nights out with the boys to attend to; it's just science.
Ask Emmanuel Macron, who despite being only 18 years old when he began his relationship with Brigitte Macron, a woman 24 years his senior, felt the need to spend 12 long years arduously dating the woman he loved before finally being ready to settle down and go to the chapel. And yes, some would argue that their relationship gave him the strength to run for office and eventually hold the Presidency of one of the most important European nations, but age gaps, you guys.
By reason, then, this means Monk's man too, will also feel the need to drag her and their romance on for what feels like an eternity, or until she has at least three visible forehead wrinkles. Something that's just all too sad to think about, really.
Finally, there's the whole career thing. As an established actress, singer and performer, Monk's career is pretty solid. But paired with someone like Apollo, a 24-year-old magician whose career is still at its beginning, disaster is likely to strike.
After all, look at Deborah-Lee Furness and Hugh Jackman. When they met, Furness was the bigger actor of the two and Jackman had no major credits to his name. That power imbalance has wreaked havoc on their happiness and left Jackman with no career drive or sense of identity. If we can help avoid something like that happening to one of Monk's men, surely, it's our duty to do so.
Now, to social media with our well-formed and totally accurate opinions, we go.