by ASHLEIGH MUTIMER
Show me someone who has never had a sexual fantasy and I’ll show you a liar.
Now, I know it’s not exactly a ‘around the dinner table’ topic of conversation but hey, this is our dinner table and we’re going to break some bread, pour some wine and indulge in a bit of over sharing.
So I’ll go first: My top three sexual fantasy partners are Mark Bouris (yes, really), George Clooney (standard) and Cary Grant – after he went grey.
And now to the sharing of what I’d like to do with them… You know, divulge the hot and steamy details to you, my close reader friend, my grandmother and the 600,000 others? Yeah, not so much.
Sorry but I just can’t do it. I can’t put pen to paper (well, I’m on my laptop but you get the gist) and admit to my sexual fantasies. Not to you guys, not to anyone.
What is it that makes us so afraid, why is this the one topics we simply can’t talk about? What is so embarrassing about something that’s completely normal?
By not talking about it, it’s easy to assume that you’re the only weird person who has naughty naked thoughts about Ryan Gosling on a jetty in the rain, with a glass of pinot noir and a puppy. (Not me I swear…)
The truth is: Everybody. Does. It.
This from Psychology Today:
The ability to fantasize, to daydream, to explore internal worlds of imagination, is a valuable, even critical component of the human mind. It reflects our ability to manipulate thoughts, ideas, perceptions and reality, all within the private confines of our own minds.
Brett Kahr (British psychotherapist) suggests that without fantasies, our minds would be sterile, “bleak” places. He views sexual fantasies as inherent “extensions of our capacity for creativity, the very imaginal creativity” that is present in the worlds of artists, painters and composers.
The idea of sharing our personal fantasies is a frightening one though. Admitting the things that turn us on is unnerving because it makes us vulnerable – vulnerable to being laughed at, to being mocked or… vulnerable to being different.
And for most of us it takes quite a lot of trust and a certain level of comfort to admit, let alone even act out our fantasies with a partner. Psychology Today explains:
…the fear of sexual fantasies reflects a fear of our inability to fully control even our own minds and thoughts. How can it be, that we can have thoughts pop into our minds, that we can have fantasies that trigger enormous sexual arousal, at the same time that they trigger shudders of revulsion? It is a scary thought, that we live inside our own minds, and cannot control even them.
Reaction to this fear drives the belief that we must suppress and avoid these fantasies. Instead, perhaps it is as Brett Kahr suggests, that our private sexual fantasies, kept secret, serve a role of maintaining a sense of control over the uncontrollable aspects of our lives and minds. “Perhaps we all do need to have some arena of absolute privacy or secrecy in order to feel more fully in control of our mind.”
Phew. You know what? I found this pretty comforting to read because it made me realise that I am (and you are too!) perfectly normal. Everyone’s brain occasionally goes somewhere they don’t intend it to. It’s how the mind works.
So, I’ve decided to go out on a limb. Decorum be damned.
*Deep intake of breath that any yoga teacher would be phenomenally proud of*
Here I go:
My favourite sexual fantasies always involve the outdoors. The male lead changes but there’s something about the risk of getting caught that does it for me. The front of a boat, the back of a taxi, a fairly deserted beach in Cairns, the sneaky tryst at Sunday brunch… I’ll leave it to you to figure out which one I’ve gotten away with.
How about you join me in the confessional? I double dare you. And if you’re not brave enough, then you can at least share your fantasy partner….