Safe to say I got a little overexcited last weekend. For the first time in forever I had two entire days of back to back "gatherings".
I put this unusual occurrence - as I do every year - down to the fact that it’s September and literally everyone’s birthday. All y’all parents playing contact sports at Christmas!
So being a keen bean, I started my beauty routine several days in advance with what can only be described as a customised rendition of ‘Old McDonald had a farm’ which pretty much goes like this:
“There’s a retinol here, salicylic acid there, glycolic... peptides... masks and serums everywhere...”
And the music video for it is me exuberantly whipping bottles and jars out of my bathroom cabinet and pipetting them directly onto my face like I’m teaching some sort of bloody potions class at Hogwarts.
Now... I’d like to preface what I’m going to tell you next by saying that none of the aforementioned vitamins or acids are harmful when used wisely or MODERATELY. Hell, let’s even throw a “separately” in there too. But the way I applied them... gleefully, cockily, abundantly...
Well. I pretty much burnt my face off.
And this was BAD. For two reasons.
I ended up spending my much anticipated weekend of jollies looking like I had a hectic, peeling pash rash that I couldn’t even cover with foundation as it just sat in the cracks of my skin making my face look like a slab of scorched clay.
In DAYS TIME I had an important appointment at the modelling agency I was signed to when I was but a mere child to see if they would take me back. It was damaging enough to my chances that I’m all up my thirties with saggy tits, multiple kids and an arse that’s seen more Big Macs than yoga mats... AND NOW THIS. I was basically twins with ‘The Thing’ from Fantastic Four. FML.
I needed a fix, and I needed it expeditiously. But it was Saturday at this point, and I didn’t ditch my kids at their daycare again until Monday. This meant that wherever I went up until then I had to take them with me and I don’t know if any of you have ever tried to get a huge-ass double pram into chemist warehouse before BUT IT DOESN’T FIT.
So I had to muddle along with what I had on hand. Which was...