If you’re anything like me, a good decade or so of online shopping has taught you some very valuable lessons.
For starters, don’t buy anything off eBay. Ever.
(Not unless you are prepared to spend twice as much in repairs and dry cleaning, as well as an AVO against a guy named Brian who keeps calling you about a couch.)
Another one? Don’t buy anything that is less than $5. It’s either black market, or made from ground up walnut shells. That particularly applies to super cheap online makeup: you WILL get a strange rash.
Actually, the more you think about it, there are actually quite a few things you would never consider buying online – and this amazing Reddit thread has them nailed.
1. BRAS AND KNICKERS
Look, even if you look like Adriana Lima and have bought squillions of pairs of underwear in your life; I can promise you that you will still find an online store with overtly laissez-faire approach to sizing.
As this particular Reddit user has highlighted this issue with but a single word: QUADBOOB.
Mia's collaboration with South Of The Border. (Post continues after video)
#2. PANTS FOR THE TALL, PANTS FOR THE SHORT
Okay, tall women, come at me. I hear you. Your pants are consistently capri, when all you want in life is for your ankles to be covered.
And yes, short ladies, I hear you too. You look like a double amputee in some jeans. (Is a pant still considered 'cuffed' when it's folded up to your knee?)
Hot tip: never, ever, buy your pants online.
Even for moderately-legged folks like myself, it just never works out. It's like there's some predisposed algorithm that prevents the jeans you've purchased online even coming close to being human length.
3. ANYTHING (REALLY, REALLY) EXPENSIVE
If your pending online purchase is so large that you have a guilty lump in your throat and have already googled 'early claiming of superannuation', then DO NOT BUY THIS THING ONLINE.
Furniture, expensive jewellery, cars, computers, telephones, and designer handbags all fall into this category. Get up. Go to the official store with the official salesperson and the official bag. Get that receipt, girl, because if anything goes wrong you just spent a lot of money.
I mean, hello! There are scams. There are people who will take your money. There are pieces of furniture with... rats' nests?
#4. MAKE UP
Without doubt, there are some makeup items that are totally fine to find online. Like, say you're replacing an eyeliner. Or, testing out a new mascara. Sure. Fine. Get down with those online 50 per cent off sales and give it all you've got.
BUT. If you are shopping makeup for the first time, particularly don't buy it online. You will NOT nail your colour. You will NOT guess what shade of skin you are out of the 5,000 shades of skin on offer.
Case in point? Last time I bought foundation online, I got the colour so wrong that I was the iridescent hue of a Shane Warne troll doll. (Clearly overestimated that 'summer glow'.)
Fact: sunglasses always look much better off your head than they do on. That's why Alex Perry always wears his sunnies perched high on his glossy dome.
Shopping for sunglasses online is so damn tempting because, well, they're cheap. There are always boutiques trying to move certain styles out the door, and here's why: they don't suit anyone.
I legitimately have over 16 pairs of designer sunglasses at home, and they all make me look like Corey Worthington. Try before you buy, kids.
So uh, yeah. This is a thing. In recent years, there has been an explosion of websites promising cheap and script-free prescription drugs online.
For people struggling to keep up with the costs of their medical regime, it's a damn attractive proposition: many of the websites offer up to 40 per centoff the retail price.
NO, PEOPLE. JUST NO. Buying medication online is a really, really, really bad idea. To point out the bleeding obvious, you have no idea of what you're getting.
Good luck, shoppers.
It's a wild world of awkwardly-sized jeans and rat-infested furniture out there online.