Just when I finally got used to the side boob.
Just when I finally got used to the side hair shave.
Comes another side THING that is beautiful and impossible and horrifying and I cannot look away:
The side vag.
— David Richman (@DRich_what) April 1, 2016
The side vag is my new favourite term. It’s the result of what happens when you succumb to the latest high-crotched fashion trend and let your fleshy front lady area see the light of day. And it’s coming to a beach, a red carpet, or an Instagram shot near you.
In Venice recently, it was side-vag for days:
And, pre-robbery, Kim Kardashian was letting the gentle winds of France caress her front cheeks.
It's yet another astonishing feat for women in 2016. Up until now we've been concerning ourselves with the brave feats of fighting for equal pay, starting AFL leagues and running for President of the United States.
It's time we tipped our hats to those brave souls involved in side-vaggery.
Firstly, respect for the enormous amount of danger factor involved. Step a millimetre too far, and suddenly your bikini seam has been swallowed up by your lady pocket. And for pete's sake don't even THINK about moving sideways or you'll end up in a Malaysian prison.
Secondly, the intensity and effort it goes to ensure your side vag is display-quality cannot be underestimated. Can you imagine? How is it possible to remain hairless, without the pockmarked scars of ingrown picking, or the ugly red bumps of another $29 triple-x from Essential Beauty?
Not all heroes wear capes. Some of them wear really high-crotch things.
Side vaggers laugh in the face of their waxer when she says "this is going to hurt".
Side vaggers spit their champagne out at 1800's ladies who were considered scandalous when they flashed their ankle.
Side vaggers know where their best side is at.
So this summer, ladies, be armed with the knowledge that your vag doesn't have to lie dormant, meekly covered. Get your little muff wings out. It's what fashion wants you to do. Just remember a couple of things:
Hollywood Tape that shit down.
And please, don't forget to slip, slop and slap the sides too.
Monique Bowley is the host of Mamamia Out Loud. It's the award-winning weekly podcast with what women are talking about. Subscribe in itunes or listen to the full episode here: