I am short. Exactly how short? Well, I’ve tried to hide that by wearing heels almost my entire adult life. Now I have a daughter, and I know she’s going to grow up… well, she’s not going to grow up very much, because she’s going to be short like me. I want her to know there are some drawbacks to being short, but also some good things. So, my Mini-Mini-Me, this is life as a shortie.
1) You will grow up being constantly told you are “cute”.
You’ll get patted on the head by adults and picked up by other kids. You will know what it must feel like to be a Pomeranian.
2) You will always be in the front row for class photos, usually down the end.
3) You’ll never be asked to wear the GK or GS bib in netball.
That’s okay. Centre is the best position, anyway.
4) You will suck at high jump.
But if your friends ever make a human pyramid, you’ll be the one on top.
5) People will always think you’re younger than you are.
This will come in handy on many occasions, especially when you want to get a cheap ticket. After you turn 18, you’ll get asked for your ID all the time. Unfortunately, by the time you’re about 30 and really want to look younger than you are, this will probably stop happening.
6) Once you get beyond primary school age, most people will stop calling you “shrimp” and “midget”.
But you will hear the word “petite” a lot. It’s possibly more irritating.
7) You will come to realise that gigs are overrated.
It’s just an hour of you standing on tiptoes, trying to find a gap between the heads of the people swaying drunkenly in front of you. Might as well download the album and stay home.
8) You will only ever date guys who are taller than you.
This is not some kind of gender-based prejudice. It's just that there aren't many guys shorter than you, especially now that Grant Denyer is taken.
9) You will never be able to walk into a shop, buy a pair of pants and wear them immediately.
You will have to pay to have them taken up first. This is like a tax for being short. You will live for the years when capri pants are in fashion. As for "one size fits all" clothes, that's just a cruel joke.
10) Some fashion trends will entirely pass you by.
What idiot came up with the idea of calf-length skirts? Who wants to make their legs look even shorter?
11) People at your workplace will think you are two inches taller than you actually are, because you'll never turn up in flat shoes.
Heels are just as comfortable as flats, once you get used to them, anyway.
12) You will work out your own solution to not being able to reach the top shelf in the supermarket.
Perhaps you will wait till no one else is in the aisle and then climb on the bottom shelf or on your trolley. Perhaps you will poke your fingers through the top shelf to move the item forward. Perhaps you will ask a tall, handsome fellow shopper to help you out.
Here's the not-very-tall Taryn Manning illustrating some of the problems faced by short women. Post continues after video.
13) You will develop a good sense of balance from frequently having to climb up on a stool to reach things in your kitchen cupboards.
14) You will never have to "mind your head'.
It'll be impossible for you to bump your head on a doorway, unless you're sitting on someone's shoulders.
15) You will find that a lot of chairs are uncomfortable to sit on because your legs don't touch the ground.
That's okay. You'll prefer sitting with your legs tucked up next to you, anyway. You'll get used to having to move the driver's seat as far forward as it will go every time someone else has been in the car. You'll be a tiny bit less uncomfortable than tall people on long flights (but only a tiny bit).
16) You will do a mental fistpump every time you hear that a celebrity is your height or shorter.
Reese Witherspoon! Yes! Hayden Panettiere! Yes! Lady Gaga! Yessssss!
17) When you grow up and have children of your own, you'll be able to sit on a tiny chair, at a tiny table, to join in their tiny tea party.
You'll also be able to go along to parent-teacher night and not feel weirdly oversized in the classroom. This will almost make up for the fact that there will be Year Six students towering over you. Almost.
What other things do only short women understand?