Being uncoordinated is quite awkward when it’s coupled with raging libido. Welcome to my world.
You’re horny, but you never really know how to execute anything with grace. You always look (or feel like you look) like a deranged duck in lingerie, trying to give a lap dance or a blow job. Nobody orgasms when they feel uncomfortable.
I’m a gal who’s first to admit she’s uncoordinated. I don’t have great balance, pretty limited hand-eye coordination, and very weak depth perception. All of these things make having sex an especially difficult task for me. (Post continues after gallery.)
Being a sex writer, there are many “hands-on” assignments that I’ve had to get through, despite this lack of coordination. In my personal life, I stick to the moves I know are tried and true — the ones that won’t leave me with an elbow in the eye or a broken hip.
Also, being a sex writer AND an uncoordinated woman, I have accumulated plenty of sex tips for fellow uncoordinated people. Embrace your quirks so everyone can get off!
Here are seven of my absolute favourite, tried and true ways to keep sex fun and simple:
1. Stay away from shower sex.
For real, shower sex sucks major monkey dong anyway, so you’re not missing anything. Seriously, I hate it so much I even wrote a whole piece devoted to said hatred. It’s hard to manage for even the most acrobatically-inclined individuals so you shouldn’t feel bad about skipping it.
If you are uncoordinated, shower sex is a one-way ticket to the ER. There is soap everywhere and it is SLIPPERY. Trying dangerous sex games is no fun when it ends in bruises and a possible broken tailbone.
Showers are for singing. Image: GIPHY.
2. Don’t get so fancy with the blow jobs.
Blow jobs are hard work. They do not call them a job for nothing. Since they are already labor intensive and you, my friend, are uncoordinated, don’t get fancy with your technique. You don’t have to simultaneously rub his balls while you deep throat or whatever.
Keep it CONSISTENT. The only thing you should be worrying about coordinating is your hand to your mouth, which you move in the same direction. That’s all there is to it. Your partner will not GAF.
3. Missionary is your safe space.
Missionary is your go-to position when you’re uncoordinated. Why? Because you don’t have to do anything but lie there, moan, and chill.
Cowgirl is fun and everything, but it’s a huge cardiovascular workout and takes a lot of coordination… which you don’t have, remember?
When you’re not feeling overly ambitious and don’t want to try 90 positions, just stay in missionary. It’s a classic.
Our most embarrassing sex moment. Post continues below…