By ROSIE WATERLAND
Dear colleagues, loved ones and friends,
As I’m sure you are well aware (thanks to me making sure you are well aware), I am currently in the ‘Endless Hot Sex’ phase of my relationship.
I have fallen in love. Not just with a man but with a man’s special place, and I’m pretty sure judging by the amount we are bumping our special places together that he has also fallen in love with mine.
Let’s not beat around the bush here (although I’m sure in the last few months I’ve probably managed to do that in some kind of sexual way): I am getting laid all the damn time and I am pretty damn thrilled about it, to be honest.
I know that I’m being insufferable. I know that I’ve been casually slipping my sex life into conversation whenever I think it’s relevant (I also know that it almost never is). I know that I’ve been making tenuous connections that involve responding with “I came twice this morning” when somebody asks me to pass the phone charger.
I know that the wry smile I give whenever I’m asked what I did on the weekend is anything but subtle. I don’t blame you for rolling your eyes as I obnoxiously pull my pill out of my bag and earnestly exclaim “definitely can’t forget to take that,” with an emphasis on ‘definitely’ that clearly implies I’m having way more sex than you.
Obviously, I’ve been having quite a nice time. But it’s recently been brought to my attention that the Endless Hot Sex phase of my relationship has been making some of you feel a little inadequate.
Basically, I’ve been inadvertently sex-shaming the shit out of everybody.
So please allow me to take this opportunity (while I’m at work and not otherwise… indisposed) to apologise for my behaviour.
I’m so sorry (name redacted), that you actually told your boyfriend that maybe you should break up because I was making you feel like your non-3 times a day sex life was doomed (and you were only half joking).