Image: American Pie.
Love hurts, they say… but after reading these first-hand accounts of sex injuries we can confidently say making love has the potential to hurt even more.
Research suggests many of us have broken a wine glass or even a bed in the act, but that’s pretty tame compared to some of the painful and, in some cases, long-lasting bodily injuries some unfortunate souls have sustained.
1. The worst first time.
“The very first time I had sex I tore my frenulum preputii*, the damn thing wouldn’t clot so they had to cauterise it and then six months later they cut what remained of it in half so it didn’t tear again… Not the best way to lose ones virginity.
* For those who aren’t doctors, flap of skin that connects to bottom of dick head tore, had to burn it with fire.”
2. The one with the goat.
"Whilst working on a farm a few years back, this girl and I were having a summer fling. It was my last night, so we got fairly drunk and ended up in our room. Key part of the story: our room was in the attic of the barn, above where the goats slept. And we absolutely did not lock the door on the way up, because alcohol. Fifteen minutes, we hear clip-clops on our floor. I think it's someone coming upstairs, totally ignoring the fact that it was a fucking clip-clop, not footsteps. Because alcohol. And then the goat proceeded to head butt me off of the bed, mid coitus."
Watch: They're not an injury, but here's why queefs happen during sex. (Post continues after video.)
3. Love burns.
"I made my girlfriend dinner one time, then the foreplay happened, then came the realisation that I had been slicing scotch bonnet peppers bare handed."
4. The double whammy.
"Girlfriend in uni was on top, riding rather vigorously... On the upswing, she disconnected ever so slightly, but just enough that when gravity asserted itself, horribleness occurred. The impact folded my rigid junk in half, and coupled with the impact on her pubic bone, left both of us scrambling to opposite corners of the bed holding our respective genitalia, each worried how badly hurt the other person was."
5. Shower power.
"Shower sex. I slipped, hit my head on the faucet. Six stitches and a concussion. I told the emergency room nurse I just fell in the shower and she wanted to run more tests to see why I fell and I had to admit it was shower sex. She was like sixty, I was mortified."
6. The broken nose.
"A combination of cunnilingus and an orgasm which included a violent hip thrust resulted in a broken nose." (Post continues after gallery.)
7. Oooh, burn.
"Carpet burns on the back of my wrists from protecting her butt from carpet burns. They were very visible and hard to explain."
8. The headbanger.
"One time me and my girlfriend bonked heads really hard when we were having sex. It hurt and gave me a headache. We had to stop because we hit so hard."
9. Tooth much fun
"Got a little too rough and ended up smacking my teeth into hers. She was fine, but I ended up with a massively chipped tooth. Had to get it filled in. Dentist asked what happened and thought it was fucking hilarious."
"I had a girl get into it, scratched my back as she climaxed. I don't mean regular scratch, she dug her nails in and pulled. I think it bled for five minutes and I had a scar for a few years on my back."
Watch: Aussie celebrities share their 'hall passes'. (Post continues after video.)
11. Burn, baby, burn.
"Did you know you can get friction burns on your dong? Did you know how hard it is for those to heal? It can take months. I'm a grower, which means that the first couple of times it healed the skin healed tight when it was soft, and broke open every time I'd get excited. I'd wake up due to the pain of morning wood breaking my skin open."
Do you have any sordid tales to share?